OCTOBER 2005 - MARCH 2006
JAMES KING / ANNA MOFFO R.I.P.
The opera world is bereft by the death of these great Americans. Fortunately, the digital memory lives on in our ears and in our hearts. Let us rejoice.
OUR RETRO WORLD
A few decades ago, we looked to the years after 2000 as a wondrous time when gadgets would shrink to nothing and we would be free of their weight and incoveniences forever, luxuriating in technical innovations at every turn. Instead, just look at the ugly bricks for portable phones that people are lugging around instead of the wonderful new Korean AK Mini (also know as GPlus Mini and in Hong Kong for HK$ 1100-1600), the size of a cigarette lighter or a finger of shortbread. It can do phone calls (new model is tri-band), SMS, MMS, WAP, e-mail, video, very nice photos, MP3 if you must (room for 512MB of storage) and even record your telephone calls. The sound quality from the tiny speaker is stunning. Lovely machine. Meanwhile, people are actually buying the cassette-quality MP3 file in record amounts when they can now have tiny players which play our greatest achievement in sound reproduction, the Compact Disc. This week, our great minds at Microsoft announce yet again something we had ten years ago, an ugly brick-like Tablet PC. The trend of the decade is not to go forward but to go back, sell it for more and keep the real innovations quiet. You have been warned.
CORPORATE CON OF THE WEEK
As the first sweaty days of summer approach, no use seeking a cool blast of relief in the MTR these days, until you get in the train that is. Using the pretence of "safety enhancement" barrier doors, the Mass Transit Railway decided to save on its air conditioning bill by cutting off the vast cooling tunnels from the platforms. The result is a very stuffy and uncool experience for overcharged commuters. Not a story about this in the newspapers I can remember seeing. If you invite enough journos to free cocktails you can get anything past the public in apathetic, I'm-All-Right- Jack Hong Kong. FACT: The MTR made HK$ 2.61 billion profits in the first half of 2005.
BUSH IN INDIA
SUZIE WRONG
Funny thing but I keep staring at this eye-catching poster of a new ballet called Suzie Wong and ne'er a mention of the author of the orginal 1957 novel called Richard Mason. Oh well, everyone knows that of course and everything about Hong Kong must be Chinese anyway, right? Maybe this explains why the ballet is now nostalgia of the "Swinging Sixties" and why clapped-out Canto-crooners like Donald Cheung (who he?)have been dredged up to do the lip-synching. Not to be missed.
THOSE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
Awfully embarrassing thing to note about the locals is their hatred of vegetation of all kinds but this has been registered in so many contexts. The way to deal with a new flat, apart from stripping the inside bare and making a huge heap of concrete and plaster, is of course to chop down the trees or so vandalise them that they are pathetic stumps. There used to beautiful luxuriant trees standing in front of this building. Now look. AND the bloody flat downstairs is still empty, months after the chopping was done. Well done neighbour above in Stanley! Gandhi said that he judged the civilisation of a country by how they treated animals. After they start to pamper animals, a modern civilisation has also to look after trees. Hong Kong's crass philistinism shines out for all to see. Value judgement and so what. I don't care.
ROTTEN HK ENGLISH MEDIA ROUNDUP
Funny isn't it that in this supposedly international city of ours the largely irrelevant English media are so dumbed down it's not true. Is it because the presenters are stupid or are they just happy to sit on their salaries? Somehow I detect the heavy hand of forked-tongue PR men like Ted Thomas in it all - years of compromised opinions, spin and writing for corporate advertisers leaves it mark in journalism. At RTHK there is still the old colonial spirit of Never Mind The Standards, Think Of The Mortgage Back Home. The terminally boring South China Morning Post brings "news" (above) of the Chinese RTHK signing up a firebrand talk show host. On the one RTHK English channel, Radio 3, we have still the very, very dumb and very, very bland Backchat as a sign of some sort of debate (see below). We used to have an Open Line. Ralph Pixton still seems a firebrand in comparison with what we are dished up with these days. Meanwhile at the Post, they are cock-a-hoop about the fact that they have got some more minor awards. Here is one of them, for the best newspaper headline: " The best English headline award went to the news sub-editing team for "Sperm meets egg? It's just not enough any more" -- a story about fertility issues. Susan Ramsay was first runner-up for "Declaring war on Smother Nature."" It's definitely ROFL stuff, isn't it? Curiously also, the Post got awards for coverage of the Kissel trial, which was full of wrong photos, inaccuracies and omissions dressed up as "reporting restrictions". Thank God for the Internet.
TAXI DRIVER UNIVERSITY
How do you know when Hong Kong is on the ropes? When taxi drivers call for law enforcement. Coming soon from the Taxi Driver University Extra Mural Dept:
Effective Research Methods In History - David Irving
Fair Shares For All - Li Ka-shing
Joining MENSA - James Tien
Dealing With The East - HRH Prince Philip
STAYING A DUNCE
Above: education expenditure as percentage of GDP 1998 and 2001
Always useful to bring out a few charts when the budget is on, particularly when there are education cuts. Hong Kong for years lagged behind the rest of the developed world with regard to education expenditure but now it looks as if it is going to dip yet again. Way to go Henry!
LEAVE IT OUT, KNACKER
Outraging public decency in Queensway and elsewhere in Hong Kong are the latest recruitment posters from Hong Kong's increasingly discredited and hostile constabulary. Leave it out, knacker! Real policemen use their brains, not their weapons. Free citizenries are served by the police, not intimidated by them. There must be better ways of licking up to Peking.
IRVING "NOT IN CLINK" SAY OPPONENTS
Leading Jewish pressure groups have denied that a silly old British clapped-out historian was arrested, charged and sent to jail for daring to froth at the mouth with blatant absurdities regarding past events in Europe. "We had nothing to do with it. Everyone has a right to free speech, except people who don't like Jews or Israel. We were only following orders."
NEW DEAD DUCK FOUND IN HONG KONG
CANDID PHOTOGRAPHY
BEGGING LETTER
Reading the news of a dreadful and totally non-criminal misunderstanding between old friends and I get an idea. Taxman barking , also heading off to Europe and thus in need of holiday readies, so I decide to pen a little note to a rich friend living in Central:
You are getting on now and as a lawyer and old pal I think I would like to take total control of your finances and relieve you of all that pressure. Just sign a few documents I will give you in the FCC bar, no need to put on your reading glasses, and give me all the ATM and credit cards. I will tell you what I have done with the money when I get to Martinique. Your friend, George.
Wish me luck! Pip, pip!
Go to Ted Thomas' wine appreciation page hosted by NTSCMP.
MINORITIES, MAJORITIES AND ALMOST ANYONE ELSE : AN APOLOGY
Readers of NTSCMP the past almost ten years may have gained the impression that we have a dim view of ethnic, sexual, religious, racial and almost all other minorities, majorities and identifiable or unidentifiable sociological groupings or indeed individuals both in Hong Kong and abroad. You are right. However, we now see the error of our ways and apologise unreservedly to almost anyone we could have wound up and rubbed the wrong way particularly if they have access to explosives or firearms, know where we live or who give us sums of money. Thank you and have a good day. By the way there is a very wicked cartoon doing the rounds at the moment of Anne Frank and Hitler in bed together in a post-coital situation. Hitler is puffing on a cigarette and saying "Now there's something for your diary." Oh, and have you heard the one about Arafat on his way to hell...wicked!
DENMARK CRISIS : NEW SHOCK
MUSLIMS FIGHT BACK
AHMED, PRINCE OF DENMARK
© An NTSCMP original oh yes 2006.
SOME MULLAHS DO HAVE 'EM
MULLAH DUBYAH: Virgins? What virgins? Surely you mean raisins. Make no mistake, the Koran says nothing about virgins, vaginas, or penises. Where in hell did you get that idea? Check your translation. My Penguin Classic says that in Paradise you shall consume organic vegetables, Evian mineral water, and yes, lots of raisins. That should mellow y'all down somewhat.
ROBBERY: THEN AND NOW
DISASTER UPDATE
GOD BLESS AMERICA
I was wondering the other day what would have happened to the Internet if the Europeans ran it: obligatory French and Dutch on every web page, endless delays and restrictions as new Brussels directives were issued, and the UK boycotting everything. By now we would surely have 14.4. access to all (alternate Sundays only). Even worse , imagine it run from Hong Kong with Li Ka-shing making it so expensive, no one could afford it. The future of the Internet is wifi, wireless broadband, people tapping into it all over a city like they now do the portable phone system. But here in Hong Kong it is all ad-hoc or metred by the ten minutes at "hotspots" with the Government never daring to suggest free unlimited Internet access and the Internet as a free public utility like say - well, we can't have free public utilities can we in a free economy? Just think what would happen. In the USA they not only have a cheap nationwide GPRS network but whole cities are constructing free wireless broadband access areas. Here in Hong Kong we have to go another route, the "wardriving" one of turning on your wifi sniffer on the Pocket PC in the hope of finding access to an Internet LAN which offers it apparently free and unsecured to whoever passes by. Here in Stanley you can get such free access beginning outside Watson's in the market and walking all the way to the Main Street bay, then the whole length of the promenade and then outside McCafe in the Plaza. I'm thinking of installing wireless LAN in my home to give people the privilege of wireless Internet in the market. You can only keep what you give away. Kung Hei Fat Chance to all. Long live the Internet. UPDATE: Wireless also available on Stanley Main Beach near changing rooms. Thank you, fellow residents!
DISNEY TO BUY WHITE HOUSE
Walt Disney has agreed a $7.4bn (£4.1bn) deal to buy The White House, the animation firm behind films including Bomb Baghdad Story, Kidnapped!, Bashing Nemo and The Unbelievables. The all-share deal will see White House chief executive George Bush join Disney's board of directors. Under the agreement, 2.3 Disney shares will be issued for each Florida vote. Disney's distribution deal with The White House was due to end next year, and it seemed the two would split after failing to agree on how to divide future profits. However, Disney's new boss Donald Rumsfeld has been working to revive relations between the two companies.
TSANG : MAJOR POLICY SHIFT
JOKE OF THE WEEK : RTHK INDEPENDENCE
Don't the Government Information Service and RTHK logos look well together? Radio Television Hong Kong is going to get a "review" after twenty years and there is talk from the Government about preserving its supposed independence. That is what the GIS tells us and so it must necessarily go on to all the front pages (see below). RTHK is about as independent as the (North) Korean Central News Agency. At Radio Three and Four it is staffed by the laziest set of time-serving yes men and women yet to grace the airwaves. They are helped out by a set of clapped-out fogies such as Ray Cordiero, together a host of other has-beens and never-weres. On the English airwaves anyway, investigative journalism is non-existent and kowtowing to Government is obvious in every broadcast and web site posting. As if that wasn't enough, there are the ridiculous public information announcments which make us sound like Singapore run by Monty Python. We should always be wary of a Government preserving a medium's independence. What they mean is that they want it to continue as their mouthpiece.
PLEASING MASSAH
You can almost see it. The reptilian eyes move over the report. The gold-plated mobile is lifted up and the latest white flunky at Dorset House is given his orders. Then it is back to the Shanghai traditonal massage. Nothing better than for South China Morning Post owner Robert Kuok than to start the week with a really satisfying ass lick from the wage slaves at his chief propaganda sheet in Asia. Everyone expects it and no one is suprised when the front page is cleared for what Robert wants. Mmmm.
THAT PAVLOVIAN HK NEWS AGENDA
As if we needed further proof that journalists in Hong Kong sit by their fax machines waiting for the government to tell them what the news is, we wake up to blanket coverage (exclusive to all newspapers) that the Civil Service is going to give its workers Saturday mornings off. Well, blow me down. One wonders what kind of well-trained Pavlovian world HK journalists live in when an announcement like that gets them to hold the front page. More than anything else it shows what a provincial set of morons they have all become. Singapore and Switzerland would be proud of this media non-story. In Hong Kong it ought to be shameful. But it's so common these days to find the Government Information Service telling us what to talk about. Is the story a real story? I don't think so. Maybe in ten years the rest of Hong Kong will expect Saturdays off. So bleeding what. I defy anyone in Hong Kong to name any internal announcement by the British or any other European Civil Service which has become front page news the last twenty years.
NEW BLAIR INITIATIVE
NINTH BEST "BLOG" IN FAR EAST, OH YES
Well, you have to take your honours - sorry honors - where you can find them.
FANNY'S AGONY STATEMENT SHOCK
HOLDING OUR BREATH FOR ARI
As news arrives that Ariel Sharon can breathe on his own, let us pause to remember the thousand or so innocent people old Ari caused to become permanently breathless in 1982...now read on:
On September 16, 1982 the Lebanese Christian Phalangist militia entered the Beruit refugee camps called Sabra and Shatila. Their mission was authorized by the Israeli IDF, under the command of Defense Minister Ariel Sharon, that held the territory around Beruit at that point in time as a result of the June 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon. The Phalangists were looking for PLO fighters who, it was feared, had avoided evacuation from Beruit by hiding among the refugees. There were estimates of perhaps 200 armed men in the camps working out of the countless bunkers built by the PLO over the years, and stocked with generous reserves of ammunition.
The Phalangists, whose Maronite Christian president, Bachir Gemayel, had just been assassinated on September 14, entered the camps on the afternoon of the 16th and carried out a 62-hour rampage of rape and murder until Saturday morning, September 18th. They were motivated by revenge for the Gemayel killing and also for the years of brutality Lebanese suffered at the hands of Palestinians during the PLO occupation of Lebanon. [Later information revealed that Gemayel was assassinated by the Syrians, who opposed his alliance with the Israelis, and not by the PLO].
When Israeli soldiers were alerted to the massacre and ordered the Phalangists out, they found hundreds dead, including as many as 35 women and children. The rest were men: Palestinians, Lebanese, Pakistanis, Iranians, Syrians and Algerians. This was a small toll when compared to the tens of thousand who had died in the years of civil war and fighting with the PLO in Lebanon, but these deaths kindled crys of outrage in Israel, and internationally outside the Middle East. Curiously, there was little protest at the time in the Arab world, although "Sabra-Shatila" has now become a mantra of the Palestinian Arabs as a code word for their allegations of Israeli brutality. Most protests were (and are) directed at the Israelis, not the the Phalangists, who perpetrated the crime.
Estimates of the number killed range from 460 according to the Lebanese police, to 700-800 calculated by Israeli intelligence. Palestinians claim 3,000 to 3,500 dead and call the action "genocide".
CONFUSION IN WANCHAI
FORTRESS FOLLIES : PART 2998
Mr, nay Sir Professor Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr (continue ad infinitum) Li Ka-shing's electronics and household appliances retail chain Fortress is famed for its shoddy, out-of-date and overpriced goods, over-eager but misinformed sales staff and questionable after-sales service...NTSCMP reader DS writes:
Just
a quick note to warn consumers from buying warrantee plans from
Fortress for Digital Equipment. This warrantee scheme has
been adopted by Fortress and I suspect taken from America. Hong
Kong businesses should import American food and technology but
not their deceptive business practices.
Fortress will hard sell you a service program for 1 to 3 years
that costs additional dollars at the time of purchase. Then when
something goes wrong with their equipment they tell you to take a
hike and go to the manufacturer and sort it out and then come
back to them and they will decide if they will reimburse you or
not. There was an electronic chain in New York City called The
Wiz which did similar dishonest sales tactics until The New York
City Consumer Protection Board headed by Mark Greene put a lid on
it.
Whoever owns Fortress-to quote the Great Late Carnac (Tonight
Show starring Johnny Carson U.S.A.): “May your electronic
ignition fail on your Mercedes in the middle of The Eastern
Tunnel and you be visited by a band of horny Triads.”
SHARON : THE WORLD WAITS
Sharon: Old fat ugly bastard collapses with a stroke after years of fighting for injustice and mayhem..Arafat: Old fat ugly bastard finally poisoned by Mossad fighting for justice by using mayhem...
Sharon: Attended by the best medical care...Arafat: Shipped off to Paris as impoverished Palestinian State unable to treat anything more than a surface gunshot wound...
Sharon: Surrounded by hordes of aides, press men and gleeful opponents..Arafat: Surrounded by hordes of devoted well-wishers and sympathisers...
Sharon: Preparations are made to hide the body in a secret grave...Arafat: Thousand collapse with emotion as his coffin is waved to glory...
Sharon: George Bush arrives at his funeral to lick ass..Arafat: The world cringes as Bush says "May the Lord have mercy on his soul"...
(That's enough Middle East invective.Ed.)
FREE TRADE : HK FILLS THE GAP
SCMP web site screen capture 5th January 2006
AT LAST : THE PERFECT AIRLINE
http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/files/HJ9vUhmCZtHK.wmv
SPOT THE BALLS
Only one person in this picture has any balls. The rest are over-equipped duffers with a Mommy complex. Mark your entry with a X (cross) and send to Dick Lee, HK Police HQ, Arsenal Street, Wanchai.
URBAN PLANNING HK STYLE : PART 1098
You have a few hundred square feet left over from building another hideous shopping and office edifice, so what can you do with it. Oh yes. Build a park. Notice the tiny token trees and flower beds in this Hong Kong style 90% concrete park in Electric Road. How civilised. How nice.
DEMOCRATIC DEVELOPMENT UPDATE
IT'S A RIOT !
"Say Cheese, Chief"
WHERE CORRUPTION MEETS SELF-CENSORSHIP
Funny thing but in a place where overcharging, dirty kitchens and cultural confusion are pervasive, it's hard to find a bad restaurant review in Hong Kong. In this sense one knows one is in a provincial rather than a world city. The media are very tame and like to keep up good relations with the money-makers. Restaurant critics and wine reviewers seem to have their eyes on the next free bottle or meal and their minds - such as they are - on not scaring off advertisers. Strange then that we have to look to England and something as unfree and biased as the Daily Telegraph to read some really good restaurant reviews from Jan Moir. Here's how she begins her latest missile against pretentiousness and plain bad food: "If Fishers Bistro is meant to be one of Edinburgh's top fish restaurants, I tremble to think what kind of hellish grot-holes the others must be. Despite its premier waterfront position in the port area of Leith, Fishers starts to sink the moment we walk in at Sunday lunchtime, for the room seems sour and unaired, ripe with the clammy aftermath of a busy Saturday night." And later: " Many people say that Fishers' fish cakes are "an Edinburgh institution" and one can only assume that they spend each night bound and gagged inside an institution themselves, for there is absolutely nothing special about these very average, potato-heavy pucks." Wonder if we could invite her to Hong Kong for a week ? Is that Allan Semen I see calling Immigration now?
WTO - WEIRDOS TALKING OBVIOUSLY
The Korean farmers arrived in Stanley this morning and were immediately hassled by the property agents. Who was selling to whom? The ugly and smelly men (the farmers that is) spoke no English but I managed to get a WTO NO! sticker from one to put on my rugby shirt. The WTO protests thus came at last to Stanley Main Street and Stanley's pristine beaches as I jogged along on my morning exercise (lost 20lbs and still sliding). But how the headlines are boring, almost as if the journalist hordes had stayed at home and made it all up. Wish they had. Here is a sample:
WTO protesters clash with police
WTO Hong Kong talks head toward failure
No breakthrough at WTO as predicted
and best of all at the good old BBC
Rich nations criticised on trade .
It's all as predictable as a McDonald's menu. There's an original thought for you. Say thanks.
THOSE WTO PROTEST HOTSPOTS IN FULL
Your NTSCMP souvenir cut-out-and-keep guide to seeing the WTO protesters in action !
1. Causeway Bay/TST money changer booths. Hot and confrontational !
2. Wanchai 7-Elevens. Watch packs of paper undies leap from the shelves as diarrhoea takes its toll !
3. Central branches of Starbucks. Who will be first to complain about the skimmed milk refill? Action-packed !
4. McDonalds. Watch the protesters skulk in under cover of darkness as they sadly discover that this is the only affordable option for dinner. Moving !
5. Chung King Mansions. Who made that curry stain on the sheets? Mr Daswani wants to know and fast ! Steamy !
(That's enough cheap jibes at idealists and world changers. Ed.)
GUANGDONG FILM FESTIVAL
With a cast of hundreds...minus those shot on location.
STANDARDBALLS
Above: Screen capture from the Hong Kong Standard web site 10th December 2005. Confucius say: " Newspaper really like story when they print the same one twice in same edition."
THOSE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
Part 998 : Construction of Parks - The Stanley Waterfront Example
1. In Western countries, the construction of a park is an opportunity for professional landscape gardeners to embellish the whole area with shrubbery, trees, flowers, plants and lawns.
2. In Hong Kong, they dig a deep broad trough and wait for the cement mixers to arrive.
NEOLOGISMS
Sai Kung - The New Lamma
Putonghua - The New English
Sony PSP - The New Comic
Pacific Place - The New Temple Street
ICQ - The New Disco
G3 - The New Betamax
Lan Kwai Fong - The New Zoo
Bird Flu - The New SARS
Dragonair - The New Bus Company
(That's enough new things. Ed.)
HARDTALK WITH RONNY TONG
Eloquent and committed barrister Ronny Tong reveals that 100,000 more people in Hong Kong are earning less than HK$ 5,000.00 this year than last year, amongst other things, in this BBC Hardtalk interview. Watch it here.
LOOKALIKE
Sharples ........... Hu
Did anyone fail to notice the stunning resemblance between UK sitcom sourpuss Ena Sharples and President Hu of China on a visit to a Toulouse factory recently? Have they ever been seen in public at the same time?
DISGRACEFUL HOMOPHOBIA
A few years ago I came across a very distressed man at one of Britain's leading airports. He was clearly leaving in a hurry, underwear protruding from the seams of his suitcase as if he had packed in two minutes. "What's the problem I said, can't stand the British climate?" "No," he replied. it's the poofs. Five hundred years ago they used to hang draw and quarter them for it. Two hundred years ago they locked them up and threw away the key. A hundred years ago you had to leave the country and live in exile in France. Fifty years ago you were given a month's jail and discharged from military service. Twenty years ago the judge winked at you and said you were a naughty boy. Now I'm getting out of the country fast before they make it compulsory."
P.S. How many hairdressers does it take to change a light bulb? Two to get the ladder and four to stand around and say: "Oooohh, that looks nice Geoffrey!"
(That's enough homophobia, sweetie. Ed.)
CHUCKY WALKS
"It was Child's Play" says Nina
DEMOCRACY DÉJÀ VU
SEX PLEASE, WERE BRITISH
STRANGE BUT TRUE
The number of men paying women for sex has nearly doubled in a decade, UK research shows. Surveys of 11,000 British adults in 1990 and 2000 found the rate increased from one in 20 to nearly one in 10 men. and surprisingly... UK Obesity StatisticsTrends in Overweight and ObesityAbout 46% of men in England and 32% of women are overweight (a body mass index of 25-30 kg/m2), and an additional 17% of men and 21% of women are obese (a body mass index of more than 30 kg/m2 ). Overweight and obesity increase with age. About 28% of men and 27% of women aged 16-24 are overweight or obese but 76% of men and 68% of women aged 55-64 are overweight or obese. Overweight and obesity are increasing. The percentage of adults who are obese has roughly doubled since the mid-1980's. |
YES...IT'S DONALD TV!
NTSCMP celebrates the new cable channel
7 am: British Breakfast - The perfect start to the day as old friends drop in for scintillating chat and insight. This week: David Akers-Jones in depth. Hosted by Allen Lee.
10 am: The Not So Peking Show - Donald and friends go around Hong Kong trying not to notice how tacky and mainland everything is becoming. Hosted by Ted Thomas.
12 noon: Democracy Phone-In. Hosted by Hugh Chiverton.
12.02 pm: March, March, March! - Ray Cordiero plays those sounds marchers love accompanied by loud farting noises as he shifts in his seat.
3 pm: Siesta Snooze-In - Back-to-back Government public interest announcement videos narrated by Hugh Terry.
6 pm: Democracy Spotlight - English panel discussion with local university experts. Sub-titles in English
6.05 pm: My Life And Times - This week, Jonathan Fenby explains why he is now an expert in Asian affairs despite not having lived her for yonks.
9 pm: Insight - Nury Vittachi's groundbreaking investigative series continues as he looks once more at the scandal over cappuccino prices.
10 pm: Donald At Home - Real footage of Sir Donald taking off his tie and hitting the Cabernet hard as he reflects on another hard day at the cutting edge. Narrated by Lavender Patten.
11 pm: Government House - Popular sitcom. This week nasty Mr Tung next door wreaks revenge on the new incumbents to wealth and glamour by telling his rich friends not to talk to them.
(That's enough Donald TV.Ed.)
WORLD WELCOMES GENETICALLY MODIFIED SWISS
By general consensus of third world beach resorts, hotels, restaurants, airports and above all European motorways, the new Genetically Modifed Swiss Initiative has been welcomed. The GM Swiss is interesting, tolerant, laidback and cooperative. Some advanced models even see themselves as part of a common European heritage.
NEW HONG KONG BLOGGER
Kev Gozzer (above), the latest Hong Kong expat blogger to hit the Internet, promises a no-holds-barred review of local and mainland events interspersed with cuttings and pastings from important bits of the local media, saucy digital pics, family updates and all that knee trembling Thai/Filipina sex action expats are famous for hehe. Sorted, Kev!
CONCRETE WATCH
Tonnes of concrete dumped needlessly into Stanley Bay yesterday as a backwash of Tung Chee-hwa's mad tourist infrastructure improvement initiative (kickbacks to his cronies in the building industry) : 235,000.
THEY'RE ALWAYS CALLED GEORGE
George Best 1946-2005
THOSE REJECTED HK TROPICAL STORM NAMES IN FULL
1. Hallow Kitty. 2. Donald 3.
Citybus 4. Urban Council 5. Run Run 6. Octopus 7. Lucky Draw
8. Westrail 9. Dragonair 10. Community Chest 11. Frozen Dim Sum
11. White Tights 12. Paper Underwear 13. Tacky Tourist 14.
Scalping 15. Chung King Mansions 16. Mid-Levrls Escalator 17.
Poke and Vomit 18. Tax Evasion 19. Vulture Breath 20. Rita Fan
(That's enough Hong Kong names. Ed.)
THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW: PART 98
(HK Standard 24.11.2005)
THE VERY WISE WORDS OF PENELOPE ADAMS
The countdown to Christmas begins not with the huge Xmas trees, travel brochures and shopping lists but to a commitment by us all to start listening to children.
"Dad, we don't have to go anywhere. We're already there."
(As we we were both born on the
26th May and are also Geminis):
"You and I are twins but born at different times."
THE THINGS THEY SAY
(SCMP 22.11.2005)
DISTURBED AT HKU
It's Contract Law Take Home Assignment weekend and I wave my Ph.D. pass at the law library staff at 10 am this Sunday and surround myself with 122 textbooks. But even here you can be disturbed telephonically by distraught, humourless Dragonair waitresses and then, if you look out of the window, by the antics of undergrads doing the Cosplay Weekend. Cosplay or costume play is in the Hong Kong understanding a sad imitation of the pre-teen Japanese habit of dressing up like cartoon characters. Outside the main library I munch on a tuna fish sandwich (Starbucks has now taken over even HKU catering) and watch fresh graduates pose in their silk gowns, holding Hello Kitty dolls. A different kind of cosplay. Refreshing this naivety isn't it except that there is nothing really less naive than a HKU student who can tell you within a few hundred dollars what the salary of his first job will be. Somnolence arrives in the afternoon and I head off back to sunny Stanley. But at the bus stop there is a cosplayer hanging around. Fortunately, he or she doesn't get on the bus.
WELCOME TO DAY SIX
Ever ask yourself why our schoolchildren don't seem to be able to communicate simple things in English? Look what they have to contend with in mind-numbing secondary school. This board above indicates the special way they have to see the week in their crowded, borstal-like school : the first day of the month is not a Monday for example, it's day three. Added to this little confusion is the fact that they have to memorise their student number and use it when called to do so. Ask a local pupil therefore for his name and what day of the week it is today and you're likely to get "I'm Number 36 and it's day 4, Sir." No wonder the NET teachers are getting more dosh. No wonder the kids feel confused and inadequate. Having a name and knowing what day of the week it is are pretty basic human rights and capabilities.
WE'RE BACK AGAIN
Please excuse us whilst we revive the site which has been in mothballs as the Facilitator struggled with emotional crises involving a long term relationship and a Dragonair hostess, his progress in legal training, a two month stint with quizmaster King and the proctologists at the Kissel trial and the general ravages of cynicism and indifference, caused to some extent by his relocation to a splendid new bay-view flatlet in Stanley.
We are joining up the links and giving everything an autumnal clean.
Have patience and as that famous disc jockey used to say: Have Mercy.
Dr George Adams, for NTSCMP.
OUT OF THE WOODWORK
The Nancy Kissel, sorry Keeshin, saga takes a new twist with supporters of the same (a.k.a. The Parkview Proctologists) spreading vicious rumours to further their ends. The Post's cute cub crime correspondent Polly Hui, always well-meaning, was sadly deceived by the same to write a piece suggesting the dead Robert's father William Kissel intends to assist hack writer Joe McGinniss to write a sensational, money-making book about the sorry business. Assist perhaps but Mr Kissel is a solid honourable bloke, has quite enough money and doesn't need to resort to peddling his family's reputation. The truth will out and the Post has now seen the error of its ways. The big question is how even a hack like McGinniss could make the murder interesting. La Keeshin is simply not the stuff for gripping crime fiction: she is a dry and uninteresting shrew with the sex appeal of a walnut. She hit her lovely husband about the head when it looked as if she might be able to elope with a bald, fat, caravan-dwelling, wannabe Romeo. She told the biggest pack of lies to try to get herself off and failed miserably. Even one of Hong Kong's greatest COJs (clapped out journalists) Jim Laurie couldn't get a a manuscript together on this one although he sat with notepad and pencil for a lot of the trial. I never took notes. Why bother noting down blandness and petty vindictiveness laced with teenage smut? My Dragonair hostess nearly fell asleep when she came for a look-see. A few weeks earlier, the Girl Who Turned Down Cathay was similarly unimpressed by it all.
TEACH YOURSELF CANTO SPEAK
"Hong Kong's prison authorities are hiring translators for what they believe may be a 24-hours-a-day (sic) procession of people being detained for breaking public order laws during the World Trade Organization talks next month, the Correctional Services Department said Tuesday." HK Standard, 16.11.2005
In order to assist our demonstrating visitors from abroad, NTSCMP is proud to present this nomenclature of Police and Correctional Services phrases and their English equivalents:
ID ar! - " Can you show me your identity document? We are intensely bureaucratic and do not like to do anything much to solve problems. We prefer to fill in forms."
Where you stay? - "What is your present domicile?"
You are what country people? - "What nationality are you?"
What you do? - "What is your intended course of action in this vicinity?"
I no speak English - "I do not know and if I knew I wouldn't tell you."
I dunno - "Go away."
You no stay here - "I'm going to beat you up in ten seconds."
(That's enough Canto speak. Ed.)
UNIFORM APPEAL
For those sad souls who have never quivered in front of a really pretty Chinese schoolgirl (over 16 of course), the latest Harry Potter film includes the most ordinary Chinese schoolgirl imaginable, Katie Leung, 18. Already the uniform fetishists are mapping out her vestimentary erogenous zones. Bet they wouldn't be doing that if she was wearing the standard passion killer white schoolgirl smock of Hong Kong.
HU DONE IT
WHERE TO FIND THEM
Hitman in town needing to bomb and rub out a few journos and bloggers? NTSCMP once again offers a unique service.
Kevin Sinclair ....Most likely to be carrying a mixed box of samples from a wine tasting to his car boot...Location: Anywhere near a large hotel...Things to watch for: Probably barking at the Food and Beverage Manager or car park attendant.
Hugh Chiverton...Most likely to be standing gormlessly in a car park at 1 pm after a hard morning at the hub of events....Location: Shatin or Kowloon Tong...Things to watch out for: Will be scanning a five-day-old copy of the Hong Kong Standard for inspiration.
Steve Vines.....Most likely to be having lunch with a gullible-looking Chinese media man....Location: Central or Sai Kung....Things to watch out for: Motor bike splatters.
Hemlock.....Most likely to be sitting in Enoteca in Soho with a smile on his face...Location: Near the Mid-Levels escalator...Things to watch for: Almost certainly the only man for miles reading a hardback book.
Ordinary Gwailo....Most likely to be scanning the fridges of a Wellcome supermarket for a decent Cheddar...Location: Any dreary suburb in the New Territories....Things to watch for: Naff clothes and general demeanour.
Big White Guy....Most likely to be doing inept sword play or tai-chi in a public park...Location: Anywhere he can find friends....Things to watch for: Bald and podgy, dimwit expression, looks like a tourist.
(That's enough journos and bloggers to rub out. Thank you. HM)
AD NAUSEAM
Just when we thought it safe to go by the High Court once again with Nancy Kissel safely in prison we are shocked at the Stanley bus stop in Queensway by this little ad for the Hong Kong Standard with world leaders and others as a backdrop to what why and when questions. Nancy gets the HOW slot but we all know that by now. She hammered a very nice family man to death in a rage then let the body fester a bit whilst she got her shopping bags and excuses ready. The real HOW question in the Kissel case remains HOW Mr Simon Clarke of Mallesons and Mr Alexander King of Liberty Chambers will explain to the police how they hung on to material like the conveniently found baseball bat for so long and why and what they did to it if anything. Judge Lunn ordered an investigation. Nothing in the press about it all. One wonders HOW they could miss such a story. Is it perhaps something to do with the fact that throughout the trial the journalists stumbled in at any odd hour and left half an hour early? The worst were the men from RTHK who sat there all day and filed a one minute garbled report or three lines on the web site. HOW do we stand it?
TSANG STRENGTHENS TIES
KEINE POLIZEI, KEIN KRAWALL: THAT SOFTLY, SOFTLY HK POLICE WTO RIOT PREPARATION IN FULL
One of my first experiences of Switzerland was siting in a cinema and having tear gas from the riot in the Limmatquai outside seep into the air conditioning system. Not a dry eye in the house. The Zurich police took some time to learn that police create riots through their presence. Keine Polizei, kein Krawall means no police, no riot and it quickly became the Zurich slogan of 1980. The Hong Kong police think differently:
1. The entire 27,000-strong police force will be put on high alert, all vacation will be cancelled and officers will work 12-hour shifts during the event.
2. The elite police tactical unit will deploy two platoons at vantage points near the Convention and Exhibition Centre, Wan Chai.
3. A platoon consists of 41 officers in full riot gear, which was bought expressly to contain potential violence.
4. An additional column, or 144 officers, will be within quick striking distance of the convention center, the source said, and will be armed with rubber bullets.
5. At any given time, 2,000 to 3,000 officers will patrol the immediate vicinity of the convention center and at least 15,000 officers will be on hand around the clock throughout the conference.
See you at the riot. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
STOREY RIDES AGAIN
It seems HKIEd did indeed follow our advice and abolish self-seeking power builder Dr Peter Storey (NTSCMP passim). Having picked up his pension rights and other emoluments from the Hong Kong Institute of Education, Storey has turned up at the Open University of Hong Kong as an Associate Professor where he can serve out his time for another pension and payoff. This however still leaves time for some other activities, such as endorsing naff and downright silly course books like Phonics Smart by the "Modern Educational Research Society Limited" based in prestigious Castle Peak Road, Hong Kong. The possible kickback involved is not immediately known but Storey will of course declare it to OUHK and the tax authorities if applicable. Oh, look at that. The leaflet says he is still Head of the Centre for Language in Education at HKIEd. So he doesn't have to tell OUHK at all. That's all right then.
IKEA JOURNALIST
All this talk in other quality online publications about IKEA reminds us of this piece we included last year.
THOSE NON-OFFICIAL EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER DUTIES IN FULL
The Honourable LEUNG Chun-ying, GBS, JP.................. Keeper of the Ties.
The Honourable Jasper TSANG Yok-sing, GBS, JP............. Usher (House of).
The Honourable CHENG Yiu-tong, SBS, JP................. Peking Fax Operator I.
The Honourable Andrew LIAO Cheung-sing, SBS, SC, JP....... Keeper of the Stamp.
The Honourable Selina CHOW LIANG Shuk -Yee, GBS, JP...... Hairdressing and Couture.
The Honourable Laura M CHA, SBS................... Tea and Crumpet.
The Honourable Bernard C CHAN, JP............... Peking Fax Operator II.
The Honourable Charles LEE Yeh-kwong, GBS, JP....... Fags and Baccy.
The Honourable Ronald ARCULLI, GBS, JP............. Excursions.
Dr the Honourable David LI Kwok-po, GBS, Hon. LL.D. (Cantab), JP...... Accommodation.
Dr the Honourable LEONG Che-hung, GBS, JP....... Chief Nurse.
Dr the Honourable Marvin CHEUNG Kin-tung, SBS, JP......... Keeper of the Clips.
The Honourable Henry FAN Hung-ling, SBS, JP............ Keeper of the Cars.
The Honourable Victor LO Chung-wing, GBS, JP......... Feng Shui and Furniture.
Professor the Honourable Anthony CHEUNG Bing-leung, BBS, JP..... Chief Lick.
CAPTION COMPETITION
Our good friend Hemlock is far too busy reading boring books at bedtime, making money and sorting out the lives of his friends to organise things like caption competitions so NTSCMP is glad to help him out. The winner this week is Fifi Fenby from Sancerre. The prize is an evening with Nury and Mary Vittachi. Well done Fifi!
Tell
people something they know already,
and they will thank you for it. Tell them
something new, and they will hate you for it.
Serious weekend reading for you. We don't normally do links in NTSCMP content as we are not a blog. But sometimes we have to make exceptions. Monbiot is a bit Spartish but he has the advantage of being called George. Read him if you want to find out what is going on in the UK and in the world. I was deeply affected by this analysis of UK and Human Rights. Glad to get back to Hong Kong in a way.
Has anyone else noticed the stunning resemblance between Harriet Miers, the Texas lawyer nominated to the US Supreme Court by US President George W Bush and falling flat on her beak, and Crackers the Corporate Crime Fighting Chicken, nominated for eggstrordinary devotion to duty by Michael Moore?
I have three homes for various reasons: UK, Switzerland and Hong Kong. Recent sojourns lead me to believe that the democracies are become tyrannies and although in Hong Kong we can't breathe the air, at least we can breathe the air of freedom. Oh yes.
UK: ID cards coming but not necessary. HK: ID cards compulsory and definitely necessary. CH: ID cards. What else?
UK: Cheerful burglars attack you in your own home. HK: Cheerful pickpockets follow you discreetly around Causeway Bay. CH: Cheerless policemen lurk at every corner ready to deport you if you look less than a whiter shade of pink.
UK: Walk the streets alone at night and never read a crime novel again. HK: Walk the streets alone at night just like everyone else. CH: Who would want to walk the streets at night? The squad car is over there sir. This way.
UK: Look at someone's girlfriend and you're dead. HK: Look at someone's girlfriend and she'll try to sell you property. CH: Look at someone's girlfriend and throw up.
UK: Smile at someone generally and you're dead. HK: Smile at someone generally and you might be on. CH: Smile at someone and get arrested.
UK: Discos have bouncers to pick up the pieces after a cheerful night of kniving and assault.. HK: Discos have bouncers to make sure white guys and air hostesses get in free. CH: Discos are closed by the time you arrive.
UK: A democracy as long as you go with the flow. HK: An oligarchy where everyone is trying to avoid taxes. CH: Democracy is something the banks look after.
DISCUSS.*+
(*Does not apply in Switzerland. + May not apply in UK. Ask the Crown Prosecution Service. Calls charged at 35p per minute peak time. Other conditions may apply. Your call will be recorded.)
No apologies for dredging this one from the archives. A thing of beauty is a joy for ever.
Private Eye is the UK's most famous satirical magazine. This is our latest submission to their FUNNY OLD WORLD column which they also decided to put in their Web edition: We still haven't got their cheque.
“Our goal is to celebrate chocolate,” Sylvie Douce told journalists gathered in the Grand Hyatt Hotel in Beijing, “and to show that it is more than just a food. Here in the world’s largest country, we want to introduce people to the many ways that one can experience chocolate, using not just the mouth, but all the senses. And our exhibition of chocolate haut couture will show you just how versatile it can be.”
Ms Douce (of the Paris Salon du Chocolat) was introducing a fashion show in which the models were dressed in clothes made entirely from chocolate. After the show, in which women strode the catwalk wearing confections made by twenty of the world’s finest chocolatiers (from France, Belgium, and Russia), model Li Chunzhi said. “This is the first time I have ever dressed in chocolate. It feels so fresh, and is very different from any other show I’ve ever modelled in. But you have to be very careful about dressing, and not stay under the lights for too long, otherwise your clothes start to melt. Perhaps this is what the Jin dynasty poet Lu Shiheng had in mind, when he said that ‘beauty is a feast in itself’.” (South China Morning Post, 11/6/05. Spotter: George Adams)
HEROES AND VILLAINS
The Hong Kong Kissel family: no one believed for a moment that the murdered Robert was anything but a nice, decent family man
At last a word about the Kissel trial, or rather the Keeshin trial as Nancy really lost all title to that good name. I saw all of it except for three weeks when I decided to spend time with my daughter instead. Luckily I missed the worst of the disgraceful show put on by Sandy King and the Proctologists, aimed to persuade us that the deceased was something other than a quiet, nice, adoring and hard-working family man with a real evil sod of a wife.
How do you treat a murderess? Do you hold the door open for her? I let it swing in her face but I did hold it open for her mother. The moment I looked at N's swivel eyes, a labyrinth of hate and deception, I knew she was going to fry. The jury looked fair enough but after a while you noticed little signs of their exhaustion with the King line on proctology - they looked at their hands, sat whole hours with their arms folded, they sniggered or they just stopped listening. Good for them.
Out of such horrid sadness, meaning forms and heroes step forward. William Kissel is a hero. He sat there day after day, sometimes in numb tears as his dear son was lambasted and calumnied by that cheap mountebank Alexander King. He also had to endure the stench of his son's bloodstains. No one in my opinion knows the fortitude of this man. In the end I would sit all morning with him in rapt wonder that he could bear another day. But he did. And he turned up the next morning and the morning after that.
Hats off also to Judge Lunn. His righteous anger in the end and the momentum of his summing up made King look like the pipsqueak he is.
BACKCHAT SHAT BACK
or HOW TO DO A CHIVERTON
Above: Hugh"Er" Chiverton. What happens to civil servants who get too many allowances? They get fat, rich and condescending.
Backchat is RTHK Radio 3's "discussion programme" - always five days behind events and nearly always irrelevant. Now read on...
George Adams wrote:
Once again you're out of synch with events. The big community story today is ESF and you are talking about tourism. It's your responsibility to respond to events and give people an immediate platform. You may have to get out of bed and ring round, who knows? Or you might actually have to find out what's happening in the evening before a programme. That's life. All you do by ignoring events is to dampen things down and censor people. Have a think about this please Hugh and superiors. Turning off, as usual. Long live the Internet. We don't have to listen to your irrelevant twaddle and silly music and inane Pythonesque Govt announcements any more! GA
Thanks for the mail. We have tried and are trying to do the ESF story, but the parties are naturally reluctant to discuss the issue publicly face to face. We'll keep at it.
Not an excuse. They don't have to do it face to face. The question is one of relevance. You have to react to events in a news service not stick to your fill-in programme. You are a community channel with a small audience and you do not have to play with general subjects and issues. Just giving people the air is enough. You would have had a great programme this morning with ESF anyone - or no one, as there would have been enough calls. Don't say you couldn't find a speaker from each side. What nonsense. You wasted the opportunity with a lot of hot air from stuffed shirts. As so many times before.
In fact we do meet with the head of the newsroom and the assignments editor every day to see what stories are coming up locally, and of course monitor international events like the UN summit to keep the programme timely. Programmes are usually planned two days in advance because that's how long it takes to get guests, but we try to be flexible.
Two days advance planning in news and community radio is a bad policy. Remember you are a HOT medium. Radio is coming back into vogue and is no longer canned.