January-June 2007
TIMES SQUARE LOVELIES
NTSCMP ARRIVES
BIG-HEARTED RITA
STRAIGHTS TIMES
YELTSIN TRIBUTE
(NTSCMP Archives)
DESPERATE INSTRUCTING SOLICITORS
(HK Standard)
NEW NINA HEIR SHOCK
MORE PCCW SHADINESS
I enjoy your website a lot. Recently I almost fell prey to another PCCW rip off that your readers may like to know about. I have been receiving emails on a weekly basis asking me if I would like to sign up for the English Premier League Channel new to Now TV. The offer was for $178/month, with 6 months thrown in for free. I went online last night to sign up for it but my Internet connection failed for some reason as I was connecting. I called up the Netvigator technical support hotline and after about 13 years managed to talk to someone. In the course of his attempts to get me back online he informed me that as my monthly bill was $X/month, he could offer me the new English Premier League Channel for $38 a month. I accepted, but only after I enquired as to what would have happened if I had managed to get online that evening and sign up for the channel myself. He told me I would have ended up with a 12 month deal at $178 a month. I wonder how many other PCCW customers are entitled to this offer but will not be told about it unless they happen to be on the phone to someone at PCCW? Sorry for writing to you about this but there seems to be no one else who is doing anything to make public just how shoddy this company really is. I have no doubts that PCCW would have failed miserably many years ago had it behaved in this manner in any other city/country of the world. Best regards, DW.
LEARNING FROM HISTORY
The "worst" killing of people at school in the USA was of course the 1927 bombing in Bath, Michigan when forty-five people were blown up by a demented farmer and school board member called Andrew Kehoe. This is the only vaguely interesting thing we learn listening to WFHG in Virginia. But earlier in the day the same station parades a stream of retards emerging from the woodwork or probably the beer coma. The presenters egg them on and the consensus is that teachers - and just about everyone else - need to carry a gun. It's just a tool, after all. We send a few e-mails to one of the neo-brain-dead presenters, Marc Bernier: "What a moron you must be to believe that arming more people will make them safer. Look at the statistics about shootings in the world." And so on. Talk shows are possibly no reflection of a society as a whole. But they do help to demonstrate that there are a lot of scary people out there. And in the USA, they have lots of guns.
ALABAMA'S REVENGE
At Watson's, pick up a tube of politically correct toothpaste, at the checkouts now for only five dollars. Is this Black Power's payback for decades of abuse in Hong Kong at the hands of the infamous Darkie toothpaste? In hyper-racist Hong Kong, no one notices these things much.
HK DEMOCRATIC DEVELOPMENT
SCMP SPACE RACE
2007 will go down as the year the world's worst newspaper, the SCMP, went into space: white space and lots of it. The "re-design" of the great profitable but unreadable has upped the white space count on most pages to a blinding 30%. This is good news of course for the tired hacks at the demoralised local rag posing as a world newspaper who now have less copy to recycle from the news wires and Government faxes. It's also very comforting for the poor reader(s) of the same tired organ. As my old friend at Oxford used to say as we were churning out the latest issue of a student newspaper: "The longer an article is, the longer it takes to read."
BLOGWATCH
(Nury Vittachi's Mr Jam)
TSANG TRIUMPHS
NINA: BARRISTERS MOURN
Is it true that Nina Wang wore pigtails because it was the nearest she could get to a barrister's wig? She owed so much to them after all. And they owe so much to her: champion of the poor Martin Lee is rumoured to have made HK$ 50 million beating the will signature forgery rap for her. Now that Nina has gone and does not need the world's ugliest building in Repulse Bay that looks like a concrete and glass fireguard, can we demolish it in her honour? Or do her heirs really think we are going to give Chinachem planning permission to build flats, then let them open a hotel because no one can afford them? Finally, we loved the juxtaposition in the Standard of the report that Nina wishes to be cremated (as her dear husband Teddy has never been found and she does not wish to lie in her grave alone) with the fact that when he was "kidnapped", Nina could only find half the ransom. RIP Sweetie.
STANLEY HO LATEST
FENBY'S VERGANGENHEITSBEWÄLTIGUNG
Pardon the long Teutonic word but it's the one post-War German politicians and others used for coming to terms with an embarrassing past. Or call it rewriting the same. Former Post editor and wannabe China expert Jonathan Fenby is taking them on at the UK Guardian. It's bloody.
TATTY OLD MACAU AWASH WITH PERVERTS
Above: The Li family fly the flag in tasteless Macau.
Twenty years ago we arrived in Macau on a bamboo pier. It was mildly interesting to see this ultra-example of Portuguese colonial grunge and exploitation: no university, no airport, no real hospitals and all the poor ragamuffin old ladies of Coloane who never saw one of Stanley Ho's tax dollars because the little the casino owners paid to the Government, the latter just put into their own pockets, obviously. The food was nice but Portuguese food and wine has always been third rate, hasn't it? Cheap but cheerful. Then there was the lovely Hyatt Regency hotel with its immaculate walls and rooms. After five years away, Macau is much the same corrupt hellhole but the buildings are higher, the tacky mainlanders have got rich and the roads are more choked and illogical. This is high naff in excelsis. Go to the New Century casino and swoon at the gaudy tastelessness of it all. Then go to the old Regency and see how Mecanese hotel owners operate: buy up and never spend a penny on renovation. Live on the old Hyatt's reputation until it's time for the bulldozers. My girlfriend, who is of course stunningly attractive and is regularly followed home in Hong Kong, was photographed by camera phone upskirts pervs in the lobby of the Regency and in the New Century. She was got at even in the supermarket and on departure at the grotty pier, another man with cam captured her legs for a J Arthur Rank in private. We came to the conclusion that all the pretty girls in Macau were hookers or worked in the night clubs or massage parlours. They were never on the streets. Why is it that a city apparently awash with girls, girls, girls has so many desperate dirty old (and young) men?
HOW OTHERS SEE US
(Patsy)
RTHK AND SCMP NEED EACH OTHER
Interesting that the SCMP should lead on RTHK's future and suggest that even a small percentage of people don't want the costly, tedious, unrepresentative and fundamentally corrupt little state broadcaster to be dismantled and a completely new set-up established. The bonds between the the world's worst newspaper and the world's worst broadcaster are deep and seminal: they cooperate on the propagation of Government policy and the suppression of free expression hand in glove. This reaches its climax every year in the corporate morality carwash and free PR circus of Operation Santa Claus. A new RTHK needs all the old guard of time servers and allowance claimers - people like our own Bryan Curtis and Hugh Chiverton - to be sent back to hospital radio and soap detergent talkovers. A fundamental principle of the new public broadcaster in Hong Kong must be : "Former RTHK full-timers need not apply".
EATS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES
Male polar bears live solitary lives, mating when they can get it and then heading off to the frozen wastes to hunt for food if there are no fat silly seals at hand. In Alaska, they scavenge rubbish bins in the urban outskirts and are sometimes airlifted back to where they belong. The poor female is lumbered with the kid(s) but has to take care as Daddy has been known to eat her and the little ones. Yes, NTSCMP has a nature DVD. But the appealing thing about polar bears is that they at least appear to be alive - vibrant. You can't really say that about pandas. They sit around the bamboo groves eating shoots and waiting for the WWF to rescue them if they get into trouble. Here is little Knut at Berlin Zoo, abandoned by his parents in the long polar bear tradition. He's looking for another zoo as he just survived treatment by the grown-ups in his present one. Given Hong Kong's predilection for whiteness, nurturing waifs, rejecting childcare, scavenging and being selfish and chauvinist as well its self-proclaimed image as an international city, what better mascot for us all than Knut. So much better than a yet another retarded pair of dazed, inactive, inbred pandas. Let's adopt Knut today and reject cutie-cultural imperialism from Peking.
VOODOO TODAY
The BBC reports that even in the UK, where voodoo and snake oil therapies are all the rage as people get richer and where nonsense like homeopathy is condoned by the royal family, questions are being raised as to why public money goes into non-scientific science. Here in Hong Kong of course the herbalists and witch doctors are either "traditional Chinese", and thus ineffably good, or visiting New Age colonic channelling innovators who charmingly hold the hands of shopping-weary expat ladies in the Mid Levels. But it's nearly all bunkum. Why is Hong Kong spending so much public money on it at and why are people still arriving in hospital far too late or poisoned by bear bile and dog penis capsules? Could it be that it makes money, has hosts of vested interests, keeps the Volk quiet and is thus another Government hot potato best left to the pending tray? We really need a Kevin Sinclair article on this...
DEALING WITH PCCW (CONT.)
AMJ WRITES: "What's all this nonsense about requesting a cancellation form? Clause 14 of PCCW's terms and conditions simply says you need to give them 30 days notice in writing. You can write it on the back of a fag packet if you want as long as you identify yourself as the registered subscriber and the number you want to cancel. So what if a fag packet doesn't fit into their A3 size filing system - it's their terms and conditions."
POST EDITORSHIP RACE HOTS UP
(Reprise)
HK COMPETITION COMMISSION HQ LOCATION ANNOUNCED
PROPERTY MANAGEMENT TODAY
Hats off to the the racially hostile (NTSCMP passim) REIT which proudly proclaims that it is not actually improving its property at Stanley Plaza but simply, and honestly, "enhancing its assets". The hideous hoarding will only be there until September and adds to the general air of mayhem and destruction now permeating every corner of Stanley. That's all right then.
BLOGWATCH
(Ordinary Gweilo)
FREE UPGRADES ON BRITISH AIRWAYS
More genteel and organised airlines such as those from Singapore have special "corpse cupboards" for the stiffs which accrue on longhaul flights. In fact, too, all large airliners have mini staff dormitories on board where goners can be stowed in an emergency. The obvious difficulty for BA is then to distinguish corpses from crew as both are generally cold, unresponsive, ancient and slightly putrid. BA claims that only ten of its passengers check out on board each year, an amazing statistic and a real tribute to human resilience when you consider how they are treated on board. Speaking for myself, I would sooner travel in the hold of an oil tanker with only a Nury Vittachi novel to read than travel British Airways. More.
YET ANOTHER TORTURED PCCW CONSUMER
WL WRITES: " Hey Ed, I didn't hate the Li's family that much yesterday but today they made me really furious. My tenant wants to cancel the service of fixed line phone provided by PCCW, then I called them and ask for cancellation. They replied by saying I need to fill in the form of termination because its an A3 size paper that they cannot mail....... OK then I spare an hour, walked to their shop today. The staff there said that I cannot get the termination form there, but I can obtain a request form of the termination form in the shop, which I need to send this hardcopy to their mailbox, then they will mail the termination form back to me, I fill that in, and mail them the filled form again, then, I can get the termination in 30 DAYS..... This means, plus all the mailing of forms, I get the termination in around 36-40 days, which give them enough excuses to charge me for 2 more months. I finally understand why post office still has business when email is so convenient these days. Is there a more fxxked up system in the world? Is there a more fxxked up company in the world? How rich is rich? Making $60 off me would not hurt me honestly, but what about to those family who makes $10, 000 for the family size of 5? It's just crazy how these rich corporations work. Is there any real businessman in the world that is honest, and give you quality products and deserve to make money? Or everybody seems to cheat on customers, giving us crap, low quality servics, some words in a 10,000 word-contract that they could play with, to make tiny money off every little one of us because of domination? I am thinking of cutting whatever services provided by this family, just to stay away from these devils. Can you name all the corporations in HK that is run by them? Even some I cannot stay away from, I will do whatever to try. if $60 is a lot to him, I will just take $60 off him."
NTSCMP WRITES: "Can we suggest you stop paying immediately and haggle with them afterwards? This has a dramatic effect in Hong Kong. The principle things affecting ordinary Hong Kong people owned by the Lis are PCCW, Park N Shop, Watson's and Hong Kong Electric. Turn on the light, check your e-mail, pick up the phone or buy some groceries and you are already supporting this villainous band of selfish plutocrats. In Stanley for example, rumours abound that the Wellcome supermarket is closing. We have no choice but to use Netvigator in the village and Hong Kong Electric is the only power supplier. Long live the world's freest economy."
LOOKALIKE
"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin." - Balzac
(Wally Wilde)
EXPAT OF THE WEEK
(Harry The Horse)
ASIAN ORDER OF THE BROWN NOSE
We pointed out some time ago that one of the sure signs of a newspaper being on the rails is when it begins advertising itself in its own pages. Sadly, the South China Morning Post has expanded this effort from quarter page puffs to whole pages. Witness this cringing - and ungrammatical - featurette with Hong Kong's least photogenic man Allan Semen. The demise of the Kuok organ cannot be very far away.
FUNNY
OLD BRITAIN
(formerly
"Funny Old England")
UNBEARABLE RAFAEL HUI
GAMES HONG KONG PEOPLE PLAY
DH WRITES::" I've recently begun reading NTSCMP regularly and found great inspiration in the expat community's perspectives of Hong Kong and its people. As a 22 year-old Hong Konger who's spent one-third of his life abroad, I must say that my views of Hong Kong are kind of in the middle and it's a great pleasure to see some absurdities and odd phenomena pointed out on NTSCMP that I never really thought about. I also read the "Games Hong Kong People Play" e-book that you put up online, and it was a wonderful and thought-provoking read. It was like a pleasant visit to the psychotherapist with much better understanding of the influences and factors that contribute to my thoughts and actions. Thank you very much!"
GEORGE ADAMS WRITES: "You can find many print copies of the book in the Hong Kong public libraries. Apologies for the atrocious version online. People say if you make it into an Adobe Acrobat file it looks presentable but the original book (now sadly out of print) has some great cartoons by Larry Feign to illustrate the text."
ORGAN HARVESTING USA
We thought only the Chinese Communists were doing it. But it's catching on.
FOUL AIR NEW ZEALAND
Curious to see environmentally-conscious New Zealand suggesting that we should burn tonnes of fuel just for fun, not to see loved ones or recuperate or Heaven forbid see a different culture. Perhaps we should charter a few longhaul jets and fly up and down New Zealand for a day or two, at low level so they can see the smoke better. At least it would give the poor bored souls something to talk about.
ARMAGEDDON POSTPONED?
Go to the rest of Noam Chomsky's new article.
FOXBALLS
with Wally Wilde
"There are no facts, only interpretations." -- Friedrich Nietszche
(BBC/BoingBoing)
RICE BUYS VOTES
Handing out the traditional Lunar New Year free bags of rice in North Point the other day were our old friend Gauleiterin Choy So Yuk of the DAB and her hysterical sidekick Mandy (above far left). One can almost see the free minicabs outside to ferry the sad geriatrics home, and to remind them that the same cabs will be available when election day comes. Most ridiculous of all was the Post blurb to the pic which announced that the gift of rice had some symbolic and transcendent meaning. Sadly, for most old folk in North Point, it was just a free bag of rice.
BRAVO STANDARD
At last, a well-researched and suitably outraged investigative piece concerning a labour scandal in Hong Kong appears in one of the English newspapers.
Alas we spoke too soon. The Post - hardly known for being investigative or for scoops - brought the same story the same day. It was all just another example of a story exclusive to all English newspapers. Ah well.
BRING BACK HENRY KISSINGER
At least he managed to bring something like a conclusion to the Vietnam "war". Last October, the Lancet reliably estimated that 100,000 civilains had died in Iraq due to the US and "allied" invasion and occupation. And this in a population of 26.7 million. There is also concern about the military casualties. But am I the only one who believes that young men and women who voluntarily train to kill people and run about in uniform deserve all they get? Some months ago I picked up a protest poster that had been discarded outside the US consulate at Central, more out of a sense of poignancy than anger. Police suddenly appeared as if from nowhere and the security guards inside the consulate fortress looked terrified. How they must live in fear, even when they are "threatened" by the self-seeking, apathetic sheep of Hong Kong.
OH TO BE IN ENGLAND
The unexplained event behind this shameful news is: "How did the Government know the BBC was going to report on the affair?". I have scanned the newspapers in UK for hints but to no avail. Do the BBC regularly call up the Government for approval of forthcoming news items or is there a mole in the newsroom? In any case, this is an absolute nadir for press freedom in the UK and must make the Foreign Office look a little discredited when they write their next moan about freedoms in Hong Kong - or Uganda or Zimbabwe for that matter. If the BBC goes, we all go. Meanwhile, in other parts of Blair's Britain, we look at just one page of The Times to see:
Do the British care that 1984 is arriving two decades and a bit late? I doubt it. As they munch on their breakfast bumper bag of crisps, sink their feet into the thick wool carpet and look out onto their two gleaming cars in the drive, they all believe they never had it so good.
JUST FANCY THAT
(HK Standard / Houston Chronicle)
She's everyone's date from Hell!
CRISTAL SLAGG
Hats off to Alan Leong!!! You may be a stuffy old barrister but you can get into my briefs any time!!! If I'm wearing any!!!!! Geddit???!!!! And there you are not only making a packet and standing up for the downtrodden on less than a mllion a month but taking old droopy drawers himself Sir Bow Tie and all the Peking dinosaurs in a neck-and-neck election extravaganza!!!! Better than that spindly old decrepit has-been Martin Lee and thank God that soddin' foghorn Emily Lau!!! You can come and canvass Cristal on her doorstep any time Alan!!!! If you haven't got any babies to kiss, we can make some honey!!! Geddit???!!!! Cristal wants your DNA, baby!!!
Come off it Alan Slackpants!!! With your Article 23 Concern Group, your Article 45 Concern Group and your July 1 Protest you ought to know about numbers by now, honey!!! YOU HAVEN"T GOT A FRIGGIN' CHANCE!!!!???!!! Geddit???? Get off it, pug features!!! Get back to your chambers before you lose your nerve!!! Let's have some real men in power, men who know how to be UN-civic all night long!!!! Geddit?????
And now, here they are, Glenda's testosterone-packed power men of the moment:
ALLEN SEMEN : I thought you was that Nury Vittachi until I saw you get your kebab out with the boys in Lan Kwai Fong at New Year. Mmmmm. Meaty!!!
MARK CLIFFORD : When you're done sacking people with a sense of humour at the God-awful SCMP, you can jump into Cristal's sack any time mister!!! Show me who's boss!!!! Geddit!!!???!!
PETER DEDI : Crazy name, crazy guy???? He must be to work at the Post!!!! Geddit???
(Cristal Slagg appears by courtesy of TVB.)
MIRACLE IN STANLEY
For weeks NTSCMP has been diligently looking for signs and and portents of the New Lunar Year and lo, at last one is revealed to us on the ceiling of Dr Adams' flat in Stanley. A wondrous mould figure of an Olde English sheepdog has spontaneously formed. It can be no accident really that Dr Adams was born in the Year Of The Dog. This must herald a prosperous and especially fortuitous year ahead. May the heavens be praised.
FREE VIEWING: To pretty girls over 16 in white boots only.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
911
The number of men in Hong Kong for every 1000 women.
40
The percentage of local men choosing last year to marry women from Mainland China despite the number of local women available.
HONG KONG HEARTWARMERS
This week : A large PCCW branch closing down for good in Central.
What's this? PCCW reducing its outlet presence in Central? Could it be that consumers are tired of its clunky, tasteless phones, overpriced and equally clunky computers, its perennially baffled customer service staff, all the hidden charges and the constant pestering to get Now " Fifty Channels of Rubbish" Broadband TV?
URBAN MYTHOLOGIES SO THERE
DG WRITES: "Yes, the Chinese airliner at Frankfurt is unsubstantiated crap that's been about since 2002 or even earlier. There's nothing in the pictures to connect them to any Chinese airline, so it's likely to be just another case of some nimrod inventing a story to go with some pictures he's found, and then posting it on the Internet. For details, see here. Basic points: 1) The straps aren't seat belts. 2) If a passenger airline had done that which it is alleged in thestory, then they would have been banned from European airspace. 3) The engine probably wouldn't have worked at all in that state. 4) The engine is very old - too old for it to have been on any of the Chinese 747s that fly (or flew) to Frankfurt. Hell, it doesn't really matter, but it's just an urban myth and it doesn't do the NTSCMP any good to have that kind of silly propaganda about the place."
(Wally Wilde points out that the markings on one photo show clearly it is a certain Chinese airline. Ed.)
THE POOR GET POORER
JW WRITES: "Dear Sir, You might be interested in the latest insanity being perpetrated by the Philippines Government on its over-exploited overseas workers. My very experienced domestic helper recently returned from a two week holiday to report that, on arrival at Manila International Airport for her return flight to Hong Kong, she was stopped by Philippines Overseas Employment Administration (POEA) officials and informed that she would have to attend a 5 day training course for which she would have the privelege of paying 10,000 pesos. The President had signed an executive order into law to this effect, she was told. As this would have entailed not only paying money she did not have but also missing her flight, necessitating the purchase of another airline ticket, my redoubtable helper objected strongly to being delayed and insisted on boarding her flight. After much arguing she was allowed to catch her flight. She noticed many other distraught women who were detained and prevented from catching their flights, no doubt facing possible dismissal for not returning to their jobs on time. I wonder which genius thought up this monstrous scam? "
NTSCMP CROSSWORD SOLUTION
CHINESE SOLUTIONS FOR CHINESE PROBLEMS
by Wally Wilde
A pilot for a Chinese airline requested permission and landed at Frankfurt for an unscheduled refuelling stop. The reason soon became apparent to the ground crew.
The No. 3 engine had been shutdown previously because of excessive vibration, and because it didn't look too good. But this, apparently, had presented no problem for the tough guys back in China: they took some sturdy straps and wrapped them around two of the fan blades and the structures behind. That stopped any unwanted windmilling (engine spinning by itself due to airflow passing through the fan blades during flight) and the associated uncomfortable vibration caused by the suboptimal fan. (For anybody who is not familiar with a jet engine, a jet fan blade should be perfectly smooth.)
Note that the straps are seat belts -- how resourceful! After making their "repairs", the Chinese flew off across Europe on another revenue-making flight, with only three engines! The resulting increased fuel consumption meant that they got a bit low on fuel, so they just set the aircraft down at whatever airport happened to be nearest, for a quick refill.
That's when their problems started: The Germans, who are kind of picky about this stuff, inspected the malfunctioning engine and immediately grounded the aircraft. Besides the seat belts, notice the appalling condition of the fan blades. The airline operator had to send a chunk of money to get the first engine replaced (took about 10 days). The repair contractor decided to do some impromptu inspection work on the other engines, none of which looked all that great either. The result: a total of three engines were eventually changed on this aircraft before it was permitted to fly again. You might want to think twice before you fly on a Chinese Airline...
NTSCMP PRIZE QUICK CROSSWORD
All succesful entries sent to NTSCMP by the 17th February 2007 will be entered into a lucky draw to win signed copies of HONG KONG WATCHING, Dr George Adams' seminal work on Hong Kong behaviour.
CLUES DOWN: 1. All the gals of Central have them on it seems. 2. Style-challenged surely? 3. Acerbic smegma takes to blogging. 4. Two fingers in the dyke. ACROSS: 5. Deficits and defecation says poor Walter. 6. The poor lads of Hong Kong also get their bottoms pinched.
Hint: Read recent NTSCMP updates or listen to the latest podcast.
LITERARY REVIEW
DORIS FENBY WRITES: "I see that nice children's writer Mr Vittachi is in the news again, stirring up trouble because a racist committee will not give him a literary prize. I seem to remember that Mr Vittachi used to put down all his SCMP colleagues and fellow writers because they were not "Asian", that is they did not look it. He of course was "Asian" as he had a shiny brown head and wore a Nehru suit, although he is in fact as English as steak and kidney pie. Some people said this was neo-racism par excellence. Mr Vittachi is not seen very often in the media these days so I was wondering if you had some archived photo of him somewhere. Thank you."
GAY LIBERATION
RED WINE TODAY
THOSE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE HOT ZONES IN FULL: Baghdad 4255 miles, Xinjiang 2123 miles, Bali 2063 miles, Nepal 1841 miles, Mindanao 1063 miles. Thanks Kev.
HSBC : THE QUEUING BANK
What is the special hold that HSBC has on its customers - and on the police? Are there no other banks in town? Every lunch time sees their customers obstructing pavements with their queues at ATM machines. In the branches themselves, they even queue on the stairs and a potential fire safety hazard arises. The police should intervene to stop this obstruction of the public thoroughfares at least.
THE PEASANTS OF YUEN LONG
NTSCMP STAFF BREAK SILENCE
In a courageous public declaration, NTSCMP staff spoke out emotionally last night about the taboo issue which has gripped Hong Kong. Speaking under a condition of strict anonymity, Wally Wilde and QQ (pictured) described how they had suffered for many years from "horrendous" harassment from all manner of Filipino, Thai and Indonesian women. "It's dreadful to relate" said QQ. "There I am in Neptune 2 in Wanchai quietly doing my crossword when I am approached by scantily-dressed females who want to take me home in exchange for my helping them out with their finances. I think it's shocking. Even on holiday, in quiet family resorts like Baguio and Pattaya you aren't safe from these molesting bottom pinchers, even when you buy them a drink or two." Both Wally Wilde and QQ said they had not experienced any harassment at work. That is because they never do any.
ON OTHER PAGES: "Why I am harassing the DAB" - Donald Tsang.
THE PEASANTS OF STANLEY
EXPAT OF THE WEEK
If you really want to see how Asian white trash lives today, go to Harry The Horse. Sickbag essential.
YET MORE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
LIVRE DU JOUR
HUBWATCH AND THE MURKY DAB
Left: Legislator Choy So Yuk and Right: Ma Lik, visionary leader of the DAB.
Take a look at the repulsive visage left. It belongs to one Choy So Yuk, North Point Gauleiterin of the Peking front organisation DAB, the Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong. No other political organisation in Hong Kong calls for a greater use of terms from National Socialism and occasionally the useful phrases from Marx to understand how they operate. Volksnah (close to the people), "patriotic" (i.e. subservient to the Vaterland) and obsessed with Blut und Boden issues such as employment and keeping out the darkies with Sonderbehandlung (they are against recreation areas and higher wages for domestic helpers) and white ghosts (they have no expatriate members or even concerns), DAB would be a laughable organisation - as the Nazis were for so long- if it were also not now the main supporter of our beloved, right-thinking and potentially innocuous Donald Tsang. His visit to DAB headquarters last week wearing Mao suit was hilarious but also rather sinister. Witness then the latest machinations of Fujian-born Ms Choy to "develop" her beloved power base in North Point. One can almost see the greedy, self-interested woman walking down King's Road with a large bag of thousand dollar notes, offering every back-street restaurateur a subsidised place in her proposed Food Street and every hawker a free niche in her planned megalithic cultural hub. Watch DAB and learn how front organisations infiltrate, incorporate, form unlikely alliances, pay off the Lumpenproletariat and finally...terrorise.
TOURISM HUB HONG KONG
GO TO HELL MR HU
By Mure Dickie in Beijing
Published: January 25 2007
Hu Jintao, the Chinese president, has called for tighter controls on the internet, ordering government and Communist party cadres to “purify” the web and tap into new technology to guide and manage online opinion more closely.
“Whether or not we can actively use and effectively manage the internet...will affect national cultural information security and the long-term stability of the state,” state media on Thursday quoted Mr Hu as telling a meeting of the party’s governing politburo.
Saying that the internet should be used to “nourish spirits and mould minds”, Mr Hu said: “[We must] advocate civilised internet operations and civilised internet use and purify the internet environment.”
Mr Hu’s remarks are his most high-profile foray into the subject since he became Communist party chief in 2003 and the clearest signal of Beijing’s concerns over the rapid growth in online activity in China.
The comments made clear his determination to prevent the web from becoming a platform to challenge the party’s monopoly on political power.
The internet is by far China’s least controlled public space. But officials routinely censor content, block access to overseas websites, monitor online communications and jail or harass journalists and online authors they consider too outspoken.
In spite of such restrictions, the number of Chinese internet users soared by an estimated 24 per cent last year to about 137m. The web now plays a central role in economic and social life.
At a special session of the politburo called to allow China’s leaders to study developments in internet technology, Mr Hu made clear that officials should seize the political opportunities presented by the growth of the web.
“Strengthening network culture construction and management...will help extend the battlefront of propaganda and ideological work,” he said. “It is good for increasing the radiant power and infectiousness of socialist spiritual culture.”
Mr Hu did not specify how officials should “seize the initiative” in guiding online popular opinion but he ordered officials “at all levels” to learn about the internet and called for the creation of specialist corps of officials to tackle the particular challenges of the web.
(The Financial Times)
SHOPPING TODAY
In the same week as the Inland Revenue sends out its helpful little reminders to payment delinquents. the Internet shopping sites come to our aid. No, it's not a joke.
(Wally Wilde)
TSANG PLEDGES UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE
LOOKALIKE
Enid Clifford writes: " I nearly choked on my vol au vent when I saw that visiting Peking grandee and Politburo Chief Tsang Zemin in the paper the other day. He seems to bear an uncanny resemblance to that nice Sir Donald Tsang who used to be in the running for Governor. P.S. Is there a chance of ten pounds at least?" (No.Ed.)
PARK N SHOP SUPERSAVERS
Here is yet another wonderful bit of marketing from your chums at Park 'n' Shop...... I guess it could go under the Parknshop supersavers heading or even a sub-head - "The more you buy, the more you save" As ever, TM.
THAT ALLEN SEMEN STYLE FORMULA IN FULL
1. Make a lot of money by creating an expensive white ghetto open brothel monopoly.
2. Invite a lot of inane journalists to free lunches.
3. Wear a lot of black, take off your socks and shave your head.
4. Er...
5. That's it.
Read Allen Semen in exclusive interview at Me And My Chopsticks.
THE BLEEDIN' OBVIOUS
Of all possible front page headlines, The Standard chooses one which can be placed in all newspapers at all times.
THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE THIRD WORLD WHEN...
...everyone's an hour late when it rains.
(Acknowledgements in this series to the seminal list of Wally Wilde first drawn up c.1994.)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE THIRD WORLD WHEN...
...posses of police stand around street corners demanding identity documents.
WATSONS WORLD
WL writes: "I am not sure who owns Watson's. I took this horrifying picture there. I am surprised to know that my grandma was giving me contraceptives for breakfast the past ten years!"
DISCRIMINATION TODAY
One would have thought that something called the Wanchai Festival would take every opportunity to publicise itself to English speakers. But no. The organisers proudly put up two posters at Central side by side with details of events only in Chinese. Has anyone seen the details in English? Discrimination operates in modern Hong Kong by exclusion. This is best achieved by advertising events and services wholly or predominantly in Chinese.
SEAVIEWS
The "sea view" from this flat is so splendid, the estate agent shows us...the dining area.
(Ricacorp Properties)
PARK N SHOP SUPERSAVERS
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE THIRD WORLD WHEN...
...you have to drink bottled water.
STANDARD BALLS
WALLY WILDE WRITES: Another great day for Hong Kong journalism... Today's Standard (16.1.2007) demonstrates its masterful grasp of the sectarian strife in Iraq by illustrating its story "Beheading 'mishap' sparks Sunni anger" with a photo of a crowd of angry Iraqis waving a placard bearing the likeness of Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani:
Al-Sistani is the leading Shia cleric in Iraq.
FRONT PAGE NON-HEADLINES EXCLUSIVE TO ALL HK ENGLISH NEWSPAPERS
HERE COMES THE PIG
(Oregon Scientific Laser Pig)
BLAIR ONLINE
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE THIRD WORLD WHEN...
...senior policemen and generals appear on the front page of newspapers.
(Flat) Footnote: The SCMP followed up the next day, Sunday, with yet another large front-page picture of the retiring chief constable. There was also a large picture of him in the SCMP City section the following Tuesday. (That's enough Third World journalism front pages. Ed.)
JACKSON-LIPKIN ADMITTED
RTHK BALLS
RE. RACISM IN HONG KONG
WL WRITES: Hey, I thought you are trying to turn the great news site into a forum... Can you print my letter as well? I think this unpleasant feeling of this white boy is just a very extreme story. I have travelled enough around the world and would say HK people treat foreigners really well. In fact, too well. Is HK racist? Yeah but if there's a race that hates HK people, it would be the race of Hongkongese itself. Is this unfortunate reader just too unlucky to be living one floor above some crazy gangstas? A tip to you, take the thugs to the street way. Going through the legal system is a pain in the ass, its like everywhere else in the world. I was hit by a Citibus and I found that I have to file a complete set of evidence to start sueing at the driving, which the company has a group of lawyers backing them up. I will then queue up for a year and prove them guilty. After I got the proof that they are guilty, I can go through another department for the compensation. You think its because you are white and from NY? Kna man, its just the general behaviour of a big city. City people are just rash, if you notice. If you think you are unlucky, ask those who moved in from China after their adolescent age and have problems speaking authentic hongkongese. Those people are discriminated in all sense. People think they are unknowledgeable, stupid, and laugh at their accent. Dude, you are at least with a New Yorrrrrker accent I suppose, which you would find people crazy for you in LKF, thinking you are a star or like you said, bankers or lawyer or something. You have something to be happy about. I honestly hate HK people think they are from overseas if they have finished a year of associate degree there that don't even speak proper English, which they think are more superior to 'local' culture. What's local? What's not? We all have black eyes and yellow skin and I do see a diff erence between us. Give props to this taichi teacher, I think it will happen the same to me Chinese boy if a gangster try to complain me being noisy, and I believe the police will act the same if I say I am a Taichi teacher. Chill, there is nothing to do with your skin color, its just the general behavior. Sometimes I think people think too much about who they are and put it as discrimination whenever something bad pop up. If you don't discriminate yourself, its not a discrimination. Its just your bad day.
(We have removed the original letter at the writer's request. He disapproved of our sub-headline. Ed.)
NTSCMP V. HEMLOCK PODCAST 3
NTSCMP v Hemlock Podcast 3 (MP3 / 3.7 MB)
A review of the year that was. Was it the year of Blue Skies or the Year of White Boots? Or was it just muddled Tung Chee Hwa Mark Two, the sort with more money to spend?
MORE BLATANT HOMOPHOBIA
Doris Fenby writes: "I wonder if any of your readers have noticed the similarity of situations and outraged poses taken up by Sir Peter Maxwell House, renowned composer, and Daffyd Thomas of the BBC's Little Britain series? Here's a link to the video on YouTube to show what I mean. Is there any fee forthcoming?" (No. Ed.)
GEORGE DUBYA'S HISTORIE LESSAN
As the great man puts on his make-up for one more run-through before the Big Speech, the CIA might like to show him this 90-second animation of Middle Eastern history. So many would-be empire builders have preceded the US of A...and where are they now?
(Acknowledgements to Patsy.)
THE STANDARD GRABS ATTENTION
Above: Headline posters for SCMP and The Standard 9th January 2007.
Don't you feel sorry for the poor journalists at the Standard who have to cope with their silly owner's format of world business newspaper? Even the SCMP realises that people want to read real stories in a newspaper. The Standard would be a much better read if it gave us human interest and local news up front instead of burying it in stock market quotes and business press releases. Wakey wakey.
BUSH PREPARES IRAQ STRATEGY
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1100
The number of staff at the American embassy in Baghdad.
0006
The number of fluent Arabic speakers amongst them.
(ABC NOOS)
MENTAL HEALTH
Barbecue sites like this one regularly push half a tonne of burnt charcoal and chicken fat per evening into our atmosphere and the lungs of the people sitting around the merry campfires. Not to mention all the rubbish (average ten plastic bags plus a kilo of food wrapping per group ) which is incinerated afterwards. Yet our wise Government bans even the slightest puff of an ultra-mild cigarette at the same venue.
CRASS OWNERSHIP SHOCK
TWELFTH NIGHT AND MRS JOYBOY
This being Hong Kong, the traders were already hard at it on the morning of the 2nd January scraping away the adhesive smears holding up their Xmas decorations. The next sales drive awaits. Decorations ought to be removed by the evening of the 5th or stay up the whole year according to tradition. Perhaps this explains the inordinate number of flashing Xmas lights all over Hong Kong in shop windows and certain homes at any time of year. In any case, it is now time to chastise the body for all the self-indulgence of the festive season. Otherwise we could all end up looking like Mrs Joyboy or Mr Creosote.
NTSCMP READERS DECIDE
THE HONG KONG PHILISTINES
No, it's not a railway station. This is Stanley's new "park" along the waterfront in the traditional Hong Kong style of 90% concrete with token tame vegetation. The row of concrete pillboxes left are of course new shops. Stanley only has 500 of them. The longer one lives in Hong Kong the more one really wonders at the basic tastelessness and philistinism of the populace, not that those things are confined to Hong Kong. But this city is so thick with Philistines. Yesterday my daughter and I walked past the demised Star Ferry. Protests always come too late in Hong Kong. People are waking up gradually to the fact that concrete below and around you and air you can't breathe are not quite the thing even if you are rich. But the realisation has been awful slow coming and in many places - as in Stanley - it hardly seems to have arrived at all.
CHEERFUL PREDICTIONS FOR 2007
1. White boots and black tights will finally become compulsory for all Hong Kong girls aged 16-25 October to March.
2. All Mercedes will be exempted from using indicator lights.
3. Two-hour permits will be issued to mainland visitors to Stanley.
4. The SCMP will become a free handout so one is no longer ashamed to be seen reading it..
5. Taxi drivers will be genetically modified to smile, open doors and consult maps before driving off.
6. Lan Kwai Fong will be moved brick by brick to Ocean Park.
7. Disneyland will be closed for lack of interest.
8. RTHK Radio 3 will become part of the hospital network.
9. Ray Cordiero will go all the way and retire.
10. The Hong Kong Standard will finally face up to the fact that no one reads it and start printing lots of local news to boost circulation.
LOOKALIKE
Doris Clifford writes:"Although there is little physical resemblance betweeen my Uncle Bernard and his lovely boxer Freddy and those paragons of Asian manhood Sir Donald Tsang and Prime Minister Wen, I was struck by the similarity of their relationship which comes across in their recent photos. Is there a prize of any kind?" (No. Ed.)
THAT CYBER TSUNAMI IN FULL
1. Unfortunately, the SCMP, RTHK and The Hong Kong Standard are still online.
2. Fortunately, nearly all Hong Kong bloggers are offline.
3. Er....
4. That's it.
INTERNET CRISIS DEEPENS
CYBER BLITZ LATEST
HONG KONG SOLDIERS ON
WE'RE STILL HERE
A map of NTSCMP's readership courtesy of Google.
With all the Internet nerds of Hong Kong committing suicide or at least squeezing their pimples even harder, NTSCMP is still very much available, despite the recent earthquake off Taiwan which severed important cables it appears. Perhaps PCCW has learnt its lesson and has put NTSCMP on a special server (a joke). The Internet crisis may last a week or two during which time we all may have to heed the wise words of Mr Gorbachev: that the Internet is a wonderful thing but one may become too dependent on it.
EXPAT OF THE WEEK
(A Hong Kong blogger.)
2007 : PHONE SURVEILLANCE FOR ALL
As the monitoring of the Internet becomes routine through UK/US spy systems like Echelon and communities like Hong Kong are desensitised to surveillance by services such as PCCW's EasyWatch service, mobile phones are now the tool of choice for private, corporate and state surveillance. For many years, all telephones have been able to be made into wandering microphones by a click of the mouse by our friendly state security services. Even the mobile phone network's transponder masts have been turned into a web of state surveillance like Celldar. In Hong Kong we have monolithic state organ buildings (such as "Xinhua") behind high walls with little else to do than to gather information on Hong Kong citizens. News of the technology used by the spies a decade ago has now spilled over into the commercial sector and a number of programmes are available for us all to monitor other people's phone calls and SMS messages. Anyone with a Nokia or Symbian-type phone ought to be especially glad these lovely little programmes have appeared. Or not.
Flexispy - offers remote phone monitoring, SMS logging and contact names and addresses via the Internet delivered to your inbox. Subscribe now.
World Tracker - will locate precisely any phone used by anyone. Companies can follow the exact movements of their employees. And poorer state organisations can buy what their government's police force have had for years. "Affordable".
" USING THE MAGIC OF BLUETOOTH, MOBILE BUG ENABLES YOU TO CONNECT TO ANY MOBILE PHONE WITHOUT THE OWNER KNOWING A THING. YOU CAN SET THE OPTIONS TO RING YOUR PHONE WHEN THEY MAKE A CALL... AND THEY WILL HAVE NO IDEA YOU ARE LISTENING IN FROM YOUR OWN MOBILE. YOU CAN READ TEXT MESSAGES, PHONE BOOK ENTRIES, LOOK AT PICTURES..ETC. YOU CAN DIAL PHONE NUMBERS FROM THEIR PHONE AND A WHOLE LOT MORE" Only US$ 35. A snip.
No, it's not paranoia and no I'm not recommending you buy them. But almost certainly, many people already have them in Hong Kong. Turn off that phone now.