Archives: August to December 2006 inclusive

THE MOST HILARIOUS THING ABOUT XMAS IN HONG KONG IS OF COURSE THE..

...countdown at midnight!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS

LAST MINUTE XMAS GIFTS

Former columnist Patsy, now in New Zealand, writes: "You know what to buy for your mother-in-law?  A short skirt, high heels, a pair of fishnet stockings and a ticket to Ipswich." Thank you Patsy.

SIGHTS OF STANLEY

This week : The Canine Prada Handbag

DISASTER ZONE CWB

Yes, the six-foot-wide pavement you see before you is the main thoroughfare and bus embarkation point in Causeway Bay, just outside the old Mitsukoshi building. The demolition squad has marked off its area with steel hoardings forcing old folk and children to be jostled into the path of friendly diesel buses. Only in Hong Kong can there be such stupidity, recklessness, selfishness and bad planning.

FESTIVE FUN AT THE STANDARD

(HK Standard web site screen captures 23rd December 2006.)

EXPAT OF THE WEEK

(A Hong Kong blogger.)

POST IN EXTREMIS

You can always tell when an English newspaper is on the ropes. Firstly it hires an American editor then of course it starts filling its advertising space with plugs for its owner's other interests. This quarter page puff for the SCMP features nearly exclusively hotels owned by Robert "Dirty Bob" Kuok.

GOOGLE TOOLBAR MAN "COMFORTABLE"

Doctors treating a Hong Kong expat man who refused to download and install the Google Toolbar said he was "comfortable" last night in the pyschiatric ward of a public hospital. The man, identified only as "Dr A", had refused to install the Google Toolbar on his computer when reinstalling his operating system recently and vehemently declined approximately twenty invitations to do so by important names such as Java and Adobe and also at the Google site itself. A spokesman for Google Hong Kong said: "In the end we had no choice but to apply for section under the Mental Health Ordinance. This man obviously needs help. We are going to install it for him."

PROCOL HARUM "TO SUE" BACH

Left: JS Bach holding a pirated manuscript copy of Whiter Shade Of Pale. Right: Procol Harum today.

A number of important pop performers including Oasis, Madonna, Procol Harum and the Pussy Cat Dolls are to sue a little-known music executive and "composer" called JS Bach. "This man has been ripping off our thematic material for years in his TV commercials and phone chimes. Listen to that Air On A G String for instance. He has to be stopped." The only surviving relatives of Herr Bach, Sid and Doris Bach, now living in Australia, said: "We are very sorry. JS loved getting out his Hammond organ and never meant any harm." Gary Brooker is 61 but looks a lot older.

ASK THE EXPERT

THE BIG ISSUE

Despite trumpeting its social awareness and seasonal goodwill through Operation Santa Claus, the SCMP updated its website in the afternoon a week before Xmas with three dreary non-stories from the world of hard money. Or was it that only the Business Desk was coherent and not backstabbing or on the carpet before his nibs Mr Clifford for unethical behaviour that afternoon?

JUST FANCY THAT

(Hong Kong Standard)

HONG KONG RESCUES THE PAST

SPOT THE MURDER SUSPECT

More

SO MUCH FOR FREE SPEECH

Over at the Asia Sentinel, a web site of last ditch "let's play at journalism again" written by hacks of the Standard and the Post passim, we find we are blocked even before we have posted a comment. The site whinges fulsomely about successful careerists like the present Post editor who sacked the poor Sentinel lads some time ago and who is painted as Draconian and humourless. What are they? It could be they are the same as Mr Clifford but just don't have jobs.

POSTSCRIPT: Lin Neumann points out that all the boys at the Sentinel are now in work. Hurrah.

PCCW RIPS YOU OFF

IRATE CUSTOMER writes: Interested in yet another "PCCW you are crooks" story? Oct 10th I call PCCW and ask: "When does my fixed line contract expire?"   PCCW: "Nov 4th"   Me: "Then I would like to cancel it on Nov 4th as I have no need for a fax line any more"  PCCW:  " Could I interest you in a new package, blah blah etc" Me: "No, I want to cancel the contact on Nov 4th."   PCCW: " OK, we will cancel on Nov 4th.' Me: " Do I need to send you anything in writing"   PCCW: " No."   December 16th, bill arrives, $119 charged for the line untill 6th Jan 2007. Back on the phone.  Me: "Why did you bill me for a line I have cancelled ?" PCCW: :"You haven't cancelled the line, we have no record of your termination...   This goes on a bit as expected.  PCCW: "We can only cancel the line if you fill in a termination form and 30 days after we receive that, we terminate the line." Me:" E-mail me the form now." PCCW:"No, we can't e-mail or fax the form. It has to be sent by mail." (No surprise there, but can you believe they can't e-mail or fax a form? Pure delaying tactic.)  THESE GUYS ARE F****ING CROOKS!

LOOKALIKE

Doris Fenby writes: "Leafing through one of those helpful nature books in Dymock's the other day, I couldn't help being struck by the resemblance of the South China Morning Post's beleaguered Editor with that curious animal the meerkat. Does Mr Clifford have any connections with southern Africa at all?

SOCIETY NEWS

CLIFFORD'S GOODWILL MISSION

JOY TO THE WORLD

(BBC News)

DON'T TURN ROUND

TSANG "TO BE DEMOLISHED" SAYS GOVT

Sources close to the Government in Peking confirmed that it will take a tough line and demolish Sir Donald Tsang. "He is an outdated relic of the Colonial era and although quaint and colourful, he has little relevance to modern Hong Kong and has to go. After a public consultation of people with lots of money, it would be an embarrassment all round if we did not take a tough line and show who really is the boss in Hong Kong." Sir Donald Tsang is four feet eleven and even smaller inside.

POST JOURNALISTS REVOLTING

Post Editor-in-Chief Mark Clifford

THE ASIA SENTINEL REPORTS (12.12.2006): Staff turmoil claims the scalp of the business editor inside one of Asia’s biggest and most respected (sic) newspapers.

The turmoil inside Hong Kong’s South China Morning Post continued Monday with the forced resignation of the paper’s business editor, Stuart Jackson. The move is seen inside the paper as a sharp rebuke to Post Editor-in-Chief Mark Clifford, as his closest ally departed for “personal reasons,” according to an internal e-mail sent a month after a staff revolt against Clifford brought to light sharp dissension inside one of Asia’s premier English language newspapers. Jackson, hand-picked by Clifford to overhaul the Post’s business coverage, had been on the job only seven months when he tendered his surprise resignation. The move was interpreted by insiders as a reaction by the Paper's board of directors to the employee revolt in early November in which more than 100 staffers petitioned the paper’s chairman asking for the reinstatement of two senior editors fired for their minor roles in putting together an off-color, in-house mock front page as a tribute for another employee Clifford had sacked. Jackson, like Clifford an American, was previously business editor for the Post’s cross-town rival, The Standard, until he followed Clifford from the Standard to the Post in February.  In turn Jackson had taken a clutch of business reporters and editors from The Standard to the Post. While Jackson’s exit from the Post was not linked to the brouhaha over the joke page, staffers at in-house “town hall” meetings held with senior Post management following the petition expressed deep unhappiness not only with Clifford but also with Jackson - who was widely viewed as Clifford’s confidant and chief lieutenant.  Staff reporters say Jackson, as Clifford did, ran into a severe culture clash with the Post’s staff over coverage of business news, with Jackson kicking back story ideas because, he told them, the stories weren’t important. The meetings over the firings of the two editors raised a further grievance -- the October sacking of yet another employee, a young, relatively inexperienced photographer who was sacked after a man he photographed for the business section was misidentified in the caption. The mistaken identity led to a remarkable front page apology signed by Clifford.  Many staffers felt Clifford blamed an underling when responsibility for the embarrassment ultimately lay with Jackson.  “No one else in the chain of command was held responsible for the mistake, no one in business, no one on the sub desk,” said a Post employee, who like all others in this story spoke on the condition of anonymity. Jackson’s resignation came as he was due to return from vacation and just as his second-in-command, former Standard staffer Jonathan Tam, was due to go on leave. Clifford’s e-mail said that Post staffers Karen Chan and Ewen Campbell “will supervise the operation of the business section until a new business editor is appointed.”  Both Chan and Campbell were at the paper prior to the arrival of both Clifford and Jackson and their ascendancy is regarded inside the paper as a setback for Jackson’s allies. The memo went on to extol the “significant progress” of the paper’s business coverage and invited “comments or suggestions” about business coverage. “I don’t think Clifford was very happy about having to do it,” said one business staffer. “The board (of directors) forced his hand. Everything blew up about three weeks ago with the petition and someone had to go. So it was Stuart.” Clifford, a former Asia editor for Business Week magazine, became controversial when he declared that the mock front page, which was only circulated privately, violated his standards of decency because it contained the word c**t, in reference to Niall Fraser, an editor he had fired. The italics were printed in the page, a standard tribute to departing employees in many newspapers worldwide. That incident uncovered sharp differences between Clifford’s management style and the paper’s employees. Clifford told protesting staff members that his high standards had been made “quite clear’’ when he joined the paper.  Clifford, who had called the Fraser page ‘’something you would not want to show your mother,’’ was also reportedly asked about a previous farewell page that also contained off-color jokes which Clifford had personally presented to an exiting employee at a farewell ceremony. “He simply said that he had paid ‘more attention’ to Niall’s page,’’ said a source who did not want to be identified. “He called Niall’s page ‘obscene’ and said it was intolerable and inappropriate to produce it on SCMP equipment.’’

(That's enough tedious analysis by sacked hacks concerning other sacked hacks. Ed.)

SECOND NTSCMP V. HEMLOCK PODCAST

Why has the Hong Kong average bra cup gone up one whole size in fifteen years and does Hong Kong need a hardline Peking governor to save it from suffocation by the capitalists? Plus the best Rev Ian Paisley joke ever: MP3 1.58 MB.

A seasonal look at local menus to make you gag

COME VOM WITH ME

This week : Marriott Hotel, Hong Kong

(That's enough truffled vomit.Ed.)

MODERN CHILDCARE

Hamburgers, Jules remarks in the film Pulp Fiction, are the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. How wonderful then that child-friendly McDonalds is now offering dutiful parents the opportunity to ensure their offspring also benefit from their bounty at lunch by placing standing orders for their "meals" to be delivered "instantly", direct to the school. Can't have the little ones wandering about Hong Kong without four good diesel SUV wheels under them, can we? In the future, McDonald's will surely be had up for aiding and abetting child abuse.

STANLEY VANDALISM UPDATE

THOSE WONDROUS LIS

DG WRITES: Here's a little snippet for you, anonymously of course, but heard first hand from a senior member of the HKCS. It seems that your favourite Favourite Son, Richard Li, described himself as a Fellow of the HKCS on the paperwork he submitted for his place in the "IT-20" group of electors for the next Chief Exec. Except it seems Mr Li wasn't FHKCS. And rather than doing the honourable thing (i.e. calling "bullshit" while pretending to cough), the assembled HKCS committee took Li into the next room, performed an impromptu ceremony, handed over an impromptu certificate, and conferred Fellowship on him there and then. I wish it was as easy as that for the rest of us. I shall be cancelling my membership

SLAVERY STORY SHOCKS POST READER

HK SLAVERY TODAY

POST EDITOR'S SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE TO STAFF ON SELF-CENSORSHIP SHOCK

"Circus dogs jump when the trainer cracks his whip, but the really well-traineddog is the one that turns his somersault when there is no whip."

George Orwell in As I Please, Tribune, 7th July 1944.

More.

FOREIGN MOTHERS SWAMP HOSPITALS

NEW RABIES OUTBREAK IN QUARRY BAY

When is the Post going to up its image in the world and finally sack this flatulent, reactionary, cantankerous old bore?

HAWKERS HAIL GOVT BACKDOWN

VICTORY ON MINIMUM WAGE

Following a unanimous decision of Legco's Finance Committee, the Government will soon introduce legislation to ensure that the minimum wage of Chief Executive Officers and senior Civil Servants in Hong Kong will remain at least HK$ 3m plus car plus house plus plus plus plus. So there.

SEAVIEWS SPECIAL

(Sino Land)

OPERATION SANTA CLAUS 2006

Hugh Chiverton and Bryan Curtis are state-supported broadcasters at RTHK Radio 3 sitting on a few million dollars a year between them. It isn't easy struggling in to Broadcast Drive at their time of life, handling all those tapes from BBC World Service to fill the long hours of morning programming and drinking all that harsh RTHK canteen lai cha. Then there's the fact that so many old friends at RTHK are now in the nick. Hugh and Bryan fear that their comfortable but hectic life at the hub of events may be clouded one day by having RTHK run like a real broadcasting corporation with listening figures and community relevance in mind. They worry that they may not be able to park half their workload on underpaid freelancers any more. Then there's their inherent unemployability outside Government Information Service voiceovers and hospital radio to consider. All in all, it's a grim prospect for two lovely lads who just want a quiet life and lots of easy money.

Would you like to help Bryan and Hugh? Neither would we.

ARTS NEWS

Patriotic fervour mounts at Central following the recent successes at auction for Chinese objet d'arts.

A new occasional series devoted to our oversized visitors from abroad

DON'T TURN ROUND

THE THINGS THEY WRITE

In the most dismal pullout we have seen in any newspaper this year, for the "Hong Kong Call Centre Association Awards" (Hong Kong Standard), we notice this full-page puff for PCCW headlined: "Flexibility and attention to detail are crucial. A sharp focus on the consumer positions PCCW as an industry role model." Obviously, they don't read Apple Daily or our web site.

MING ARTEFACT FETCHES HK$ 25 BILLION

In the latest record auction for Chinese art treasures, a Ming dynasty artefact known as The Golden Turd of Enlightenment has sold for HK$ 25 Billion at Christie's. The purchaser was an anonymous collector in Hong Kong called Gordon Wu.

ACTION RESEARCH

"Dear NTSCMP, I am writing a thesis on the SCMP in Australia. Can you please let me know about the staff that SCMP editor Clifford brought to the Post. Are they: (a) Mainly North American (b) Very young and brash (American-style)(c) How would you describe them? Why is there a division between these staff and the rest of the editorial floor? Is it because: (a) The Clifford proteges are favoured over the old hands i.e. quick promotion etc? (b) The old hands feel threatened? (c) Then what causes the reported divison? "

"Finally, how would you describe Clifford's management style? Is he seen internally to be pleasing the puppet masters plus trying to crack the Chinese market at all costs?Or are his management practises based on broad political economy assumptions and therefore fiscal in motive?"

Csn any Posties, past or present, help us out ? Anonymity assured.

Contact Us

OILY OLD KUOK'S SCMP MOUTHPIECE

Strategically missing from the Post's front page splash this Monday 27th November 2006 about the wasteful oil-consuming habits of the airline industry is the fact that the Post's owner "Dirty Bob" Kuok is heavily engaged not only in mineral oil but in edible oil with little regard for the environment. Leading Malaysian oil palm planters IOI Corp and Kuok Oil & Grains are separately building two refineries in Rotterdam to process more than one million tonnes of palm oil a year into "biofuel". The Kuok Group hopes to cash in on the forthcoming demand for biofuels and plans to turn badly needed cheap foodstuffs which ought to be feeding the poor of Asia and Africa into more fuel for the ever-growing diesel engines of the world. Biofuel is of course a misnomer. The production of palm oil destroys forest with polluting slash and burn, ruins the environment with monoculture and just perpetuates global warming and the other ecological disasters the Post is railing against. When you have a good mouthpiece like the Post, such facts are easily hidden. Not from us.

NTSCMP OPERATION SANTA CLAUS

SPECIAL HELP THE AGED APPEAL

Stanley is a tired and lonely billionaire who has given his life to public service like gambling and real estate. Wickedly rumoured to have criminal connections, nothing has been proved despite the long list of beatings and mysterious deaths. He has also had family troubles recently. His three devoted wives are worried about his health and fear that he will kick the bucket without leaving them all his money. At his time of life, all Stanley wants to do is to consolidate his position as a Macau monopolist and grandee and not be interfered with by brash foreigners wanting to carve up the territory.

Would you like to help Stanley? Neither would we.

EMILY ON THE MARCH

SEAVIEWS

As the "seaview" from Hong Kong's overpriced apartments becomes ever more dire, photographers for estate agents adopt ever more clumsy ploys such as obliterating the smogbound sky with a lowered blind. Good try. (Asia Pacific Properties)

RUN RUN : "NEAR-LIFE EXPERIENCE" SHOCK

" It was horrible. I woke up and the whole of Hong Kong was shrouded in a poisoned mist. The harbour had shrunk to a canal and there was no ferry to get you across it anyway. All the women I'd ever known were plastered in glistening white grease and carrying Seibu bags." Sir Run Run Shaw is 158.

NTSCMP OPERATION SANTA CLAUS 2006

It's THAT time of the year again, when NTSCMP looks to our underprivileged and intellectually unendowed victims working for English-language newspapers in Hong Kong with a cheery wish for self-improvement and a hearty festive kick up the backside. Can we break the staggering record set last year? Let's see!

• 1000 dollars doubles the monthly salary of an SCMP freelancer.

• 700 dollars buys Kavita Daswani a new hairdo.

• 5oo dollars buys an SCMP hack a bicycle to get out and look for news.

• 100 dollars buys a HK Standard sub-editor a used English dictionary.

Give generously. No personal cheques please.

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL ENGLISH NEWSPAPERS

(SCMP, 21st November 2006)

(HK Standard, 21st November 2006)

What was the special attraction of this "news", hardly likely to grace the front page (SCMP) or head the local news section(Standard) anywhere else in the world? Was it the fact that very rich people were losing money or the fact that it was faxed to the editorial offices just like a Government Information Service briefing and the news hacks once more didn't have to leave the building to fill their aching column inches?

BLEEDING OBVIOUS OF THE MONTH

This month : Audrey Eu, barrister and part-time legislator.

(HK Standard, 2oth November 2006)

NEW LEGCO GROUPING LAUNCHED

A new ad hoc Legco grouping of right of centre progressives, barristers, factory owners and others with strong patriotic leanings or who just want to make even more money was launched in Legco over coffee and congee yesterday. Provisionally named the PIGGY party ("Protect Itinerants, Grabbers and Gorge Yourselves") the grouping will have as its platform:

• More support for copy watch sellers, hawkers and industrialists.

• Vigorous opposition to protection of the environment if it costs any money.

• Free public housing and health care for toe rags and the legal profession.

• Greater cooperation with the Pearl River delta.

BE A PIG - VOTE PIGGY

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

www.pushby.com

THAT SCMP LAW AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN FULL

1. Disgruntled unemployed men living in our wonderful public housing estates may not set about the wife and kids with a cleaver when they lose at the horses or if the boozer is shut.

2. If they do they will be set upon by newspaper editorials and police and led away with a hood on their heads.

3. Don't be naughty.

4. Er...

5. That's it.

© Postrash Productions 2006.

BBC ENGLISH

I am on the pull.
He is on the pull.
You are on the pull.
We are on the pull.
How long have you been on the pull ?
He's always on the pull.
Next Tuesday, I will have been on the pull ten weeks.
Do you like being on the pull?
If I hadn't been on the pull, I would have done my homework.

© A Teacher 2006.

RUMSFELD TO ENLIST

Your President and Country Want You

We've watched you playing baseball and every kind of game,
At football, golf and polo you men have made your name.
But now your country calls you to play your part in war.
And no matter what befalls you
We shall love you all the more.
So come and join the forces
As your fathers did before.

Oh, we don't want to lose you but we think you ought to go.
For your President and country both need you so.
We shall want you and miss you
But with all our might and main
We shall cheer you, thank you, bless you
If you come home again.

Original lytics / The original song sung by Edna Thornton (MP3)

ASIAN ORDER OF THE BROWN NOSE

We revive this neglected feature of NTSCMP for Time Magazine Asia's list of Asian heroes and their choice for the front page. When you have to choose from Aung San Suu Kyi, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama, better grovel to the rich. In order to keep up the circulation figures, the same feature actually includes Lee "Turd World" Kuan Yew.

FAN MAIL

Dr Adams, Just recently found out about NTSCMP.COM and wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your unique perspective on life in HK! As a PR professional (oxymoron?) I find your jabs at SCMP most delicious, since you can say many of the things that I can only think about silently. And to minimize the risk of being labeled an ugly American,I've bitten my tongue when it comes to local politics so I thank you for offering a place to vent.That's all, just wanted to let you know your work was appreciated. Mr H.

GOER GONER OF THE WEEK

After losing her virginity to Jimi Hendrix, her lovers included Rod Stewart, Jim Morrison and the Wings (and former Moody Blues) guitarist Denny Laine, to whom she was briefly married. After a fling with Randy Rhoads, the Black Sabbath guitarist, she began a relationship with Peter O'Donohue, a builder who was jailed in 1988 for 11 years for his part in a £40 million armed raid on a safety deposit centre in Knightsbridge. Later she became one of the live-in "wifelets" of the Marquess of Bath, occupying a cottage on the Longleat estate. Cream's drummer Ginger Baker was quoted as saying: "No sane man would go near her." More.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HONG KONG?

This Week : Political Leaders

Q: One of the people in this photo of the Civic Party leaders isn't an overpaid barrister moonlighting in politics and with a visceral distaste for the plebs. Who is it? A: It's a trick question.

Q : One of these charismatic political leaders was recently ticked off for two months of pointless cross-examination which chalked him up HK$ 6 million in barrister refreshers whilst the other seriously believes that competing cities in Mainland China should be made to tone down their pace of economic growth in order not to harm Hong Kong. Who are they? A: Martin Lee and James Tien.

SURVEILLANCE TODAY

There are 4.2m CCTV cameras in Britain - about one for every 14 people.

PCCW is distributing wireless surveillance cameras all over Hong Kong via their EasyWatch service (see below). No reply as yet to our enquiry for cams on my favourite girl's school, bank and neighbour's front door. PCCW has also not revealed what safeguards they place on granting requests for service. Watch this space.

SINCLAIRISM SPREADS

(BBC Online)

NTSCMP V. HEMLOCK PODCAST NO 1

Part One (MP3, 2.55 MB)

Part Two (MP3, 3.05 MB)

The old impecunious fart met the opulent diarist and came away relatively unscathed...if you own the recording instrument you get to sound louder somehow. Maybe this is Murdoch's First Rule.

BOTHA : THE WORLD MOURNS

I've Never Met A Nice South African - sung by Spitting Image

I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru
I've had sunshine in the arctic and a swim in Tinbuktu
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yetti in Nepal
And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall
I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner
But I've never met a nice South African.

More Lyrics and See The Video

LOOKALIKE

Doris Fenby writes: "Has anyone else noticed the uncanny resemblance between Syria's man of steel President Assad and Basil Fawlty, John Cleese's uncompromising impression of the hotel manager from Hell in the BBC vintage comedy series Fawlty Towers? Does Mr Assad own any hotels?"

PCCW SCAM UPDATE

DEAR NTSCMP: When one signs up for a Netvigator account, one is obliged to choose a user name and password in order simply to get online. These are then used by Netvigator to create an e-mail account, whether or not one requires it.  In fact, many people prefer nowadays to use a Web-based e-mail account such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo!, etc. My daughter chose to use her Netvgator account for Internet access only, opting to use Hotmail for e-mail.  What we did not realise until quite recently is that despite her non-use of the Netvigator e-mail account, spam sent to the address Netvigator created was being stored on her behalf and she was being billed for the storage, ultimately to the tune of some HK$200+ per month. I have now taken this up with the Consumer Council and will keep you advised of progress. The bastards have pocketed literally thousands from a single customer over the past couple of years, for services not rendered.

THAT TUNG CHEE HWA DOCTORAL CITATION IN FULL

Salute te Tung, anciensa emperator Honkongensis, incompetentissimur non possibile, amica multa gittus potentia et pulcra, arlikhans Pekingsor, corpulentissime, con visagur horribile et frisura troppa courte, consortam Betty arroganta et assinina. <<Bonnum riddance malum orduris>> dicit publica.

WELLCOME YUMMIES

No 2 : Chicken feet stew pack

I SPY

A cash-strapped Hong Kong library sytem discovers new ways of generating revenue as gorgeous sharp-eyed schoolgirls are enrolled for surveillance activity at their computer workstations.

PSEUDS CORNER

THE THINGS THEY SAY

Meanwhile, we look into our archives...

NEW BODY PART FOUND AT GROUND ZERO

USA: New York city officials confirmed Monday that they had unearthed a large "cerebral-like object" deep under the rubble at "Ground Zero". Genetic fingerprinting points to a "middle-aged, intellectually-challenged, faux-Southern gentleman with a history of chronic alcoholism and myopia". The White House was unavailable for comment.

IS PCCW BREAKING THE LAW?

Rights to privacy and non-interference in our ordinary affairs are guaranteed by the Basic Law. At a time when the whole world is worried about more and more covert surveillance, out comes PCCW with its plans to give everyone unsupervised ability to monitor anything or anyone they like on video link to their mobile phones. The advertising material and application contain no safeguards for misuse which we can discern. In this connection we have submitted the following enquiry to PCCW:

Dear PCCW, I am most interested by your EasyWatch Service. I wonder if you could help me by providing the following:

1. A camera for watching my neighbour's front door.

2. A camera to be placed at the entrance to a girl's school I have always admired.

3. A camera observing a bank in my neighbourhood.

Could you advise me how I can enjoy this unparalleled service as quickly as possible? Money is no object.

Regards, Alphonse Daudet.

Let us see what monitoring if any PCCW places on the provision of service.

A new series devoted to the Dairy Farm difference!

WELLCOME YUMMIES

No 1 : Scabby Bananas (full-priced)

HONG KONG LIFESTYLES

This week : Shopping

Teenage representatives of the clan consumer corpus bed down on the pavement and take urgent instructions from relatives for things to grab in the forthcoming Sincere sale.

TRIAL OF THE MONTH

THAT PETER GORDON LITERARY AWARD LIST IN FULL

1. Nury Vittachi

2. Nury Hitachi

3. Nury Versace

4. The Malteser

(That's enough literary awards. Ed.)

BEER, CRISPS, PIES AND CCTV

British people are now the fattest in Europe. The slimmest are the Swiss, a shock to those who have tried to sit next to them on the tram or bus in the 1980s. In the darker recesses of Blair's Britain, teenagers arrive at newsagents to get their nightly eight cans of lager for £ 5.50. In the streets, 20 stone women, pasty in hand, wheel pushchairs housing a rubicund child equally munching on puff pastry. In the supermarkets, extra supplies of pies stand by the tills. All is contentment with an undercurrent of violence and threat. The closed circuit TV cameras click and whirr on buses and in every lane and avenue. The average citizen is captured on one 300 times a day. How glad I am to be back in Hong Kong where I can talk to strangers, walk the streets at midnight and where people generally leave you alone.

PARK N SHOP SUPERSAVERS

This week : Two pounds of small French potatoes.

FUNNY OLD ENGLAND

In the same week as the Iraq body count is revealed to be more like 100,000 civilian deaths, Britain discovers new and more pressing forms of anguish at home. FACT: Britain's greatest terrorist threat remains that emanating from Animal Liberationists.

MEETING CHRIS PATTEN

When he was in Hong Kong, I swore that I would be the only person in the territory he would never meet. But then just before the handover came Salome in the Cultural Centre and of course I spotted him in the audience. Strange then that we should also meet on the plane up to Newcastle last Monday morning 9th October. Lord Patten was waiting for his bag to come round the collection belt like everyone else. He granted us an interview on video which went the way of all great digital interviews in the hands of middle-aged hacks with gadgets they don't quite understand. But the avuncular, urbane (etc etc.) Patten was awfully polite about Mr Tung whom he described as a decent conservative businessman and he would not be drawn to issue criticism on a successor. He also did not miss the dozen or so flunkeys which would have made standing about Newcastle baggage collection points unnecessary in the old days. He describes himself as an old political has-been. But everyone knows who he is and says hello. As did we.

FOR ONE WEEK ONLY

MP3 Sampler : Korngold's Piano Concerto For The Left Hand

A mission of love, in fact three missions, calls us to Europe. In the meantime treat yourself to the Piano Concerto for the Left Hand by Erich Wolfgang Korngold (1897-1957). Commissioned and first performed by Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his right arm in the First World War, this is a masterpiece of melodic invention and also a stunning triumph over adversity. Wittgenstein commissioned works from many composers including more famously Prokofiev and Ravel, but it was to his fellow Austrian Korngold, then 27, the last of music's natural geniuses, that he turned first to relaunch his shattered career. Pure gold. Buy this superb modern performance.

À bientôt or rather Bis Bald,

NETVIGATOR RIPS YOU OFF

From the Forum

CHAS WRITES: "While we are on the subject of slagging off Netvigator.....I use their Internet service which comes automatically with an email account which I never use.Not being especially careful about checking credit card statements, it took me about two years to realise that they were charging me an extra $300 or so a month for 'additional email storage' which was odd seeing that I have never once sent or read an email from my Netvigator account, and in fact never even knew I had an account, nor even knew what the password was. On investigation I discovered that the account was filled up with about 3000 unsolicited spams, no doubt because Netvigator had sold my email address.You get 8M free storage, but the default capacity is set to 20M, so that for untold months I was paying for 12M additional storage in an account that I have never used. Two friends of mine, I discovered, have been ripped off in the same way.Netvigator told me that it was my fault for not checking my bills carefully (the bills which, of course, come to my unused email account!)and eventually offered to refund only three months' worth of rip-off.Anyone else been robbed in this way? Before you say no, you'd better check! "

THAT KRISPY KREME RECIPE IN FULL

Six parts cat box sand. Four parts plaster of Paris. Ten parts supersweet goo. Three parts essence of Hong Kong harbour sludge. Secret ingredient: contempt for the customers.

DISCRIMINATION TODAY

How lovely, a children's singing competition for UNICEF organised by child-loving, fun-lowing, nutrition-advising McDonalds Hong Kong. Strange then that the instructions for taking part are all in Chinese although there is ample room on the poster for English. There's even a blond-haired little girl up there. Discrimination's best weapon is exclusion. We never thought UNICEF believed in it. Someone ought to give them a call and ask. And then we might get onto McDonalds USA to discuss public relations and franchising?

McDONALDS COMPETITION

Replace the exclamation marks with the correct letters to win a year's supply of Happy Meals!

TALIBAN TO RUN FOR CONGRESS

By Our Political Correspondent

Right-wing religious groups in the United States were yesterday in "urgent talks" with Taliban leaders to explore the possibility of fielding a variety of of Taliban candidates in selected locations at the forthcoming Congressional elections. With its orthodox moral code and reputation for strict schooling, the Taliban is tipped to attract support on campuses and in legislatures throughout the strife and scandal-torn country. Even in Amish communities, the Taliban... ( Cont. page 98).

SEAVIEWS

Amazing to think that this is the best photo the estate agents could make of this small, expensive flat in Causeway Bay. Perhaps it is included on the advertising page to emphasise the attraction and price of a window looking out onto something. We particularly admire the "Manhattan-style decor". (Asia Pacific Properties Ltd.)

PARK N SHOP SUPERSAVERS*
(*formerly Park N Shop Ripoff Of The Week)

This week : Jams and Spreads

SCMP GROVELS FOR ADVERTS

Poor SCMP. They have to print cringing apologies on a trifling point to airlines like Dragonair and their new masters Cathay Pacific to secure advertising. Then just above it on the same page to sweeten the punters even more they bring a superfluous "news item" puff for the great airline's generosity to the world. Things must be very bad at the Post when such arslikhan has to take place in public view. No wonder they won't bring a word about Netvigator, and wasn't the report highlighting the unsanitary food in Park N Shop's mainland outlets well hidden in the same edition? Pay up and the Post will shut up.(30th September 2006)

LIBRARY OPENING TIMES

The SCMP brought an article recently about public library opening hours but as usual missed the point. Public libraries like all Government organs operate to accommodate the staff, not the customers. Staff can't be expected to get there before 10.00 am, this is Hong Kong after all. A shift lasts eight hours excluding lunch break and anyone wishing to study at night just has to go elsewhere. Why would we wish to encourage people to read at night? Stuff readers on Thursdays. Staff need their time off. The busiest times of the week, the weekends, have early closing and who would want to take one's child to the library on the afternoon of a public holiday? We might get the idea this was Government for the people or something equally radical if we opened the library when people wanted it open. The cheek.

PARK N SHOP BARGAIN BASKET

Coffee, half a cabbage and eight cherry tomatoes : Total HK$ 137.00.

DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TREE

In the electric city, in a treeless street, piles of college prospectuses stand, ignored by the masses, outside the book shop, where more valuable and equally ignored tree carcases are to be found.

SEAVIEWS

A new series devoted to Hong Kong estate agents

No 1 : Stanley Main Street

The sea view in this case is arrived at by opening the bathroom window, dislocating the neck and staring left, ignoring the large building right and the wall in the foreground. (Hong Kong Property Ltd.)

PARK N SHOP RIPOFF OF THE WEEK

WE TOLD YOU FIRST

(Daily Mail, UK)

PARK N SHOP SAVER OF THE WEEK

Dear NTSCMP, As you can well imagine, life is almost too much to bear for those of us forced to live in North Point, with it's distinct lack of charms, colour or amusement.   It was, therefore, with joyous heart and a tear in my eye that I spotted this fantastic wine offer in your favourite supermarket only the other day.   Just think of the savings  - a whopping great 0.22% reduction on a wine that is already terrific value (and tastes like shit). I guess it's all part of the service provided by our wonderful international trading and property company. Keep up the good work,TM.

JAMES TIEN IMAGE MAKEOVER

LOOKALIKE

(Originally in Private Eye)

PAVEMENT PARKERS

An occasional series devoted to those SUVs and mini-vans which brighten up our lives

This week: Stanley, Friday 15th September 2006, 15.04

HOMICIDAL SMILE OF THE WEEK

The real homicidal smile is of course Anthony Blair's as he ponders wth disdain the question as to why the leader of a dynamic world economy cannot be provided with a set of dentures at photo calls.

OUT AND ABOUT

BRAVO MATT

NEW RABIES OUTBREAK AT SCMP

DISCRIMINATION UPDATE

After our revelations of the discriminatory notice boards at the new Stanley Leisure Complex, English suddenly appears.

McGINNISS PODCAST

Leading investigative writer Joe McGinniss and fan of NTSCMP was in town resarching his new book for Simon and Schuster into the Kissel murders. NTSCMP spoke to him (MP3, 1.2 MB).

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Spotted in Kennedy Town, a blog supplier's. Hot air is expelled from the top whilst underneath is a store full of wallpaper. What can it all mean?

PARK N SHOP RIPOFF OF THE WEEK

This week : Lemon Tarts

TITS OUT AT THE POST

Transsexualism, gerontophilia, football and boxing: that's what I calls a really good Sunday read, guvnor.

HK PREPARES OLYMPIC SHOW JUMPERS

SECRET DETAINEE "DREAMT OF ESCAPE"

An abducted Muslim man held captive for eight years has said fear of his captor prevented hin from trying to escape his basement prison. In his first virtual TV interview since not escaping, Ahmed Al-said said he was "distraught and angry" in his cell. But, he said, his captor had told him he would go on another killing spree if he tried to escape. Dozens of US citizens are thought to have watched Mr Al-said's non-interview with state broadcaster CNN. Mr Al-said did not flee the basement prison where he had been held for eight years since his abduction as a troublemaker and idealist in late August 2000. His abductor, Georg Bushpil, committed political suicide after his non-escape. Austrian weekly News magazine and daily Kronen Zeitung newspaper did not carry the first recent photos of him on Wednesday. Neither did anyone else. This is because Mr Al-said sadly snuffed it in Eastern Europe some time ago.

DON'T BE NAUGHTY

Click on image to download an important public announcement (MP3).

BLAIR PLANS ORDERLY FAREWELL

ADDING CULTURE

At last, culinary public convenience Pizza Express arrives on Stanley waterfront to upgrade the cultural heritage. A few years ago we had Stanley's Oriental and Stanley's French restaurants in the Main Street centre building but the owners, led by Senior Counsel David Pilbrow, have sold out to a love motel and other sordid "developments".

AUTUMN BOOKS

(Wally Wilde)

DISCRIMINATION TODAY

PARK N SHOP RIPOFF OF THE WEEK

HEMLOCK V. NTSCMP PODCAST

NTSCMP invented podcasts in 1997. We huddled together in a secure location and set Real Media files onto the unsuspecting populace. Coming soon, Hemlock and NTSCMP in weekly debate about the real issues in Hong Kong.

POST GETS IT WRONG YET AGAIN

Leading the way in the disinformation campaign against Mr Ching Cheong is of course the pro-Peking South China Morning Post. The point about his arrest, show trial and conviction is that what he did was not criminal, not that he was innocent of a supposed offence. The poor hacks of the Post know full well that they cannot find a real job after the Post. Look at Jonathan Fenby and Nury Vittachi for example, retired into vainglorious web sites and faux-literary jaunts abroad. Post journos have everything to gain on the sinking ship SCMP by hanging up on Xinhau once in their lives and telling the truth.

POST TRASH OF THE MONTH

"Barclay darling. Drop that exposé stuff. Can you knock out a bottom page piece about the latest Nancy Kissel development. Here are the cuttings. Spice it up a bit. Then you can go home."

ENCOURAGER LES AUTRES