June 2006 - August 2006

PAGE FILLER OF THE WEEK

As advertising dwindles and the readership logs onto the Government Information Service web site to get their SCMP "news" before it's printed, the ailing South China Morning Post - once the most profitable newspaper in the world before it became a Dirty Bob Kuok Peking mouthpiece - - has fewer aching pages to fill with noos and feetyars so there can be little excuse for devoting nearly all a page to the subject of eyebrows. Is this the way cub reporters are initiated at the Post? Poor Natasha Singer can probably write about all manner of other body parts. The editorial meetings must be especially inspiring.(Photo from SCMP 29.8.2006.)

ESPECIALLY RIDICULOUS THIS ONE

Reply Urgently
7th Floor  Kamkholo Bld Johannesburg South Africa

Request for collaboration

My name is Mr. Titus Gray, and I work in the
International operation department in a Local Bank here in South Africa
On a routine inspection I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with
a BAL Of 36,000,000 (Thirty Six Million USD) on further discreet
investigation I also Discovered that the account holder has long since
passed away (dead) leaving no beneficiary to the account.

The bank will approve this money to any foreigner because the former operator of
the a/c is a foreigner and from Iraq in particular and I am certainly
sure that he is dead and nobody will come again for the claim of this
money A foreigner can only claim this money with legal claims to the
account Holder therefore I need your cooperation in this transaction I
will provide the necessary information needed in order to claim this
money, But you will need to open an account where this can be transferred.

If interested send your private Telephone No And Fax
number including full details of the account to be used for the Deposit
I wish for utmost confidentiality in handling this transaction
as my job and the future of my family would be jeopardized if it were
breached I want to assure you that the transaction is without risk if
due process is followed accordingly.

Finally I will give you 30% for
your corporation(sic) I look forward to a favorable response from you.

Thanks,

Best Regards,
Mr. Titus Gray

CENTRAL DIG YIELDS RESULTS

BANK WORKERS PROTEST

TWINS CRISIS RAGES

SCMP "NO LONGER NEWSPAPER" SHOCK

The world of journalism was rocked to its foundations yesterday as the "South China Morning Planet" was officially declassified as a newspaper and relegated to the status of a Third World local rag. First sighted at the beginning of the last century, the SCMP was always cold, insignificant, inhospitable, hard to fathom and at the very fringe of the media constellation. " Frankly, we do not know why it was ever called a newspaper," one leading cosmic analyst said. " It was never in the mainstream at all."

HOW THEY ARE RELATED

Dear Editor
With reference to your item "CIVIC EDUCATION WITH DANIEL HEUNG : Lesson  98"...

It's easy enough to poke snide fun at all and sundry, but if only you had the gonads to do a little bit of digging (using readily available public resources), you might discover and publish the following verifiable facts:

• Heung is a very rare and unusual Chinese family name.

• In Hong Kong one extended family represents the Heung clan.

• The Sun Yee On (SYO) triad society was founded, and is still ruled by, the Heung clan, and has extensive control of the local film industry and entertainment venues.

• The SYO has been publicly acknowledged by the Chinese central government as a "patriotic group" and is known to have influential connections at the highest political levels in Beijing.

• Donald Tsang Yam Kuen, despite having been a "yellow running dog" of the British Colonial regime, has been accepted by the central government as a suitable Chief Executive for post-1997 Hong Kong.

• Donald Tsang's father was a detective station sergeant in the Hong Kong Police in the days of rampant corruption, when one could only be trusted to hold such a post by being in close cahoots with the underworld.

• The ICAC, long since infiltrated at the highest levels by the SYO consequent upon its blackmail in the late 1970s of a very senior officer [the Alex Tsui case  providing corroboration of this], has never acted against any major SYO racket, such action having been left to the police.

• Since Donald Tsang's brother, Tsang Yam Pui, alias Ambrose (a name he hates) was appointed Commissioner of Police, the SYO has remained largely unmolested.

• Every officer appointed to the rank of Commissioner of Police since 1997 has been a member of an informal group known as the "Friday Club", which meets for lunch every Friday at a variety of discreet venues. (Dick Lee's heir apparent, Tang King Sing, is also a member of the club.)

I make no allegations, but it is tempting to connect the dots...   An informed source.

GET YOUR POINT ACROSS

Seems an excellent way to deal with organisations which have upset you: hang two large plastic banners outside their HQ like Josif Ma has done outside the Law Society offices in Central.

LOOKALIKE

Enid Fenby writes: " I couldn't help thinking that nice but sadly demised Chairman Mao bears a great resemblance, wart and all. to bashed-up solicitor and McDonald's patron Albert Ho. Did Mao like Big Macs too? He was certainly a fat git."

THE THINGS THEY SAY

This week : Stanley Ho

DICK GETS SERIOUS

DISCRIMINATION LATEST

Racial discrimination in Hong Kong takes many forms, the most obvious being that of exclusion. The new Government leisure complex in Stanley features not one notice in English on the main facilities booking notice board. The message is clear: foreigners get lost.

POST MEAT WAVE CONTINUES

ENGLISH TODAY

(New Word Mobility web site)

POST NUCKY WEEK

Do Post journalists get enough sex? Probably not. Underpaid, unqualified, pot-bellied and malodorous they clearly cannot pull anything but the professional Third World detritus of Wanchai on Saturday night. We ask the question as it is obvious that the News and Features Editors in particular are hung up about sex matters. Saturday not only had a feature/"news" piece about sex criminals but this gratuitous guide (above) to casual sex. As the AIDS crisis booms all around us it's good to know that someone has got the issues right. Sunday had not only a "news" item recommending circumcision but a guide to date rape drugs on the strength of allegations by the world's ugliest trolley dollies from British Airways. "Dirty Bob" Kuok's faltering organ sinks daily into News Of The World prurient trivia. Sackings beckon.

DAB PUSH ON HEALTH CHECKS

PUT OUT MORE FLAGS

Any idea what Ctuef is? Neither do I but last Wednesday morning they were out in force at Central coining it into their green bags for the cause. No one offering the flags could tell me what Ctuef does, strange when you consider that Central is a very international area of the territory. Anyone with charitable status can go on the streets asking for money. As Jeffrey Archer knew, the best way to get ahead in life is to get into charity: lack of supervision, anonymity, tax immunity and opaqueness as to actual distribution. Charities in the UK are regulated by the Charity Commissioners. In Hong Kong we only have the Inland Revenue which looks at a simple aspect of the charities, tax status, and ignores the overall picture. Thus their 500-odd page list of charities is clogged up with interest groups, friendship societies, neighbourhood cliques, clan associations, religious fronts, limited companies and other munificent mysteries.

PORN AT THE POST

"Dirty Bob" Kuok's publishing arm, the South China Morning Post Group, already brings out Maxim, the biggest selling tits and bums mag in Hong Kong. Desperate to boost the flagship SCMP's flagging circulation, instructions have been given to photographers to beef up the splash snaps on the City pages. Witness this gratuitous upskirts shot of a visiting strong man and assistants.

NOT LOST IN TRANSLATION

(Causeway Bay 17.8.2006)

BACK TO SKOOL

(JobsDB.com HK)

PUI PUI PHOTO CALL

SCENES YOU SELDOM SEE

JACK FALLS OUT

CANTOSTARS TODAY

HUBWATCH

(HK Standard, 12th August 2006)

The usual splendid, hand-crafted life subscription to NTSCMP for any credible definition of "isolated hub". Ed.

HEADLINE SUDOKU

WING MIRROR OF THE WEEK

Shau Kei Wan

Extension to vehicle width: approx. 3 feet.

Potential braining effect on pedestrians: 8/10.

Overall traffic fascism, Me First mentality and lawlessness: 90%.

Contributions Welcome.

TYPHOON NEWS

Dear George,

Thank you for your email.  Your suggestion is welcome.  We will convey your comment to our web development teams for their consideration. In fact, we have planned to replace it in our new system to be launched soon.Best regards, P W Ngfor Director of the Hong Kong Observatory

  ----- Original Message ----- From: George Adams To: mailbox@hko.gov.hk Sent: Thursday, August 03, 2006 12:03

Subject: BLOCK CAPITALS

I NOTICE YOU WRITE THE TYPHOON ANNOUNCEMENTS ON YOUR WEB SITE IN BLOCK CAPITALS THROUGHOUT. THIS DOES NOT MAKE THEM EASIER TO READ. IT MAKES YOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS LOOK CHILDISH AND ALARMIST.   REGARDS, DR GEORGE ADAMS.

MARKETING TODAY

(Sai Wan Ho)

EGAN STILL FAT SAYS STANDARD

After our revelations of the Hong Kong Standard's somewhat slanted coverage of the Egan affair, the paper went out of its way to be rude and offensive on the 2nd August 2006.

CIVIC EDUCATION WITH DANIEL HEUNG

Lesson 98

1. Make sure your cousin is going to be Governor and your other cousin is Commissioner of Police.

2. Get yourself into a cushy Government job.

3. Convert part of your Government office into a luxury flat for yourself. Keep it quiet.

4. Move out and leave it to your dogs and illegally hire a small brown woman to look after it.

Next week: How to avoid corrupt practices.

NEW HK MOTORING SCHOOL OPENS

FRENCH WOMEN DON'T GET FAT

This week: Bernadette Chirac

EXPAT OF THE WEEK

FRENCH WOMEN DON'T GET FAT

This week : Brigitte Bardot

FRENCH WOMEN DON'T GET FAT

This week : Simone Signoret

SIGN OF THE TIMES

ON LOCATION

Yes, Stanley is the new film capital of the world. Bus drivers and expat drunks were shooed away from relief in the new Civic Centre gents this Friday evening because they were making a film. What kind of film? A commercial apparently. For what? Do we need to be this realistic? Stanley was chosen as it is the cleanest public loo in Hong Kong apparently. So there.

INCONTINENCE LATEST

ENVIRONMENT : HAULAGE RESPONDS

HK BLACK ASYLUM SEEKERS UNANIMOUS

SCENES YOU SELDOM SEE

CANTOCROONERS TODAY

THAT REGINA IP DOCTORAL CITATION IN FULL

Salute te Regina, Doctor Stanfordensis, visagur vomiforens et stupendum hairdo celebrensis, Tung et Chinesae emperator in Pekingium ardentia arliskhium, securitas ministerum Honkongensis alumna, qui nunc incredibillissimae chutzpah et grandissimae hypocrensis se "democratia paragona" descrivens, qui multa guffawae in urba at urbens causat... I mean come off it you old hideous turncoat ratbag...er.. Vivat. Vivat. Vivat. (That's enough dog Latin. Ed.)

HONG KONG NEIGHBOURHOODS

This week : Discovery Bay

A FISH TANK IN CAUSEWAY BAY

HONG KONG NEIGHBOURHOODS

This week : Tin Shui Wai

SOUNDALIKE

Enid Fenby writes: " I was quite struck by the similarity of fates between that Geordie woman in England who woke up speaking Jamaican and our own Regina Ip who has woken up as a paragon of democracy after putting the boot in it all these years. Is there a prize? " (No. Ed.)

HUBWATCH

(South China Morning Post, 3rd July 2006)

HUB: In Hong Kong usage, any means of making money through public institutions and assets for power-seeking Fat Controllers. The term is used as it is at one and the same time vague (so supporting Controllers who presently have no idea how they are going to power-build and rip off) and misleading (so that the true intentions of the power-builder may be safely hdden for the time being). Trendy in HK from c.2005 on.

DONALD SPEAKS OUT

EXPAT OF THE WEEK

More fatuous and conceited than even our own David Tang, "Renaissance Man" Michael Chow does very well as a designer who can't make anything beautiful and as a restaurateur serving execrable food. See the absolutely gorgeous review of the man's London eatery by Jan Moir: "At last I know the truth about the mysterious Mr Chow. I came, I saw, I ate - so that you don't have to." Wouldn't it be lovely to read someone writing like this in Hong Kong? Maybe I should start...

JUST FANCY THAT !

(HK Standard)

MAINLAND MOVES ON

(Hong Kong Handover)

(Hong Kong 2006)

STYLE CHALLENGE

HUBWATCH

(HK Standard)

FUNNY OLD ENGLAND

See if YOU can work out if they want you to drink or not.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

"A political leader should never assume an air of superiority, or consider themselves part of a ruling elite, by taking a condescending attitude towards the people. In my meetings with members of the public over the past year, I feel they have become more optimistic about the future and that confidence has returned. They are now more ready to joke with me and welcome me with smiles. In the coming year, I shall devote more time to my walkabouts, to meeting more people and to learning your faces by heart."

More.

SCMP SACKOMETER

Our weekly list of suggested sackings to aid an ailing newspaper. Yet another NTSCMP fair dealing service to the community.

No 2 : Week ending 24th June 2006

NEW ENTRIES!!!

1. Mark Clifford (urgent)
2. Enoch Yiu
3. "Dr" Tim Hamlett
4. Bernard Chan
5. Alex Lo
6. Andrew Sun
7. Peter Kammerer
8. Jake Van Der Kamp
9. Kevin Sinclair
10. C.K.Lau

So many bubbling under as usual...byeee!!!!

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

TSANG : PRESSURE MOUNTS

(From the archives)

PCCW LATEST

(From the archives)

THOSE HONG KONG HUBS IN FULL

EXPAT OF THE WEEK

Q: Have you ever played cricket?A: I challenge you to find any Australian, male or female, who hasn't played cricket at least once. I'd wager even Pixy played once. You actually can't be an Australian citizen unless you have played cricket.Q: Did you like it?A: Yes. Because I was good. Still am. Used to beat my brother in the backyard version with monotonous regularity. Of course he'll dispute that, but he cheated anyway.Q: If you could have 100 readers or 100 dollars which one would you choose?A: This is obviously a trick question. I'd take the $100 and give $1 to each of those 100 readers. The blogosphere is a cheap place.Q: Is your wife sexier when she's got a bun in the oven?A: She's even sexier when she's pregnant! (That's a joke. You see bun in the oven is an idiom...oh, never mind).

More.

SCMP PR BEAT-UP OF THE MONTH

(Scmp.com screen capture, PM 20th June 2006.)

It's 3.00 in the afternoon and the empty screens are staring at you. Hang on. There's that improbable fax from that nice girl you met at the last Disney PR thing. Go on. Do her a favour. You know it's not true so put it at fourth item on the screen. No one will notice, then you can go home. Where's her phone number? Got it. We're on.

SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER

One of the greatest pieces of desperate barristerism we saw was of course the tits and bums Internet slide show organised at the High Court by Alexander King , SC, in favour of Nancy Kissel Keeshin last summer. Rarely has such an own goal been scored by one so intelligent. The one great unresolved issue from that sad and needlessly prolonged trial is the mysterious baseball bat which suddenly appeared during the trial, having been stored in a cardboard box at Nancy Kissel Keeshin's solicitors, Mallesons Stephen Jaques, since it had been found by Brooks Keeshin in the fortuitous presence of Malleson's partner Simon Clarke. The bat had been forensically scanned and only the traces of one of the maids could be discovered on it. There was also some dispute about the photographs taken of its location where the wardrobe was now suddenly flush with the wall. His Honour Judge Lunn said that the solicitors and barrister had done their client no service and ordered an enquiry through the Department of Justice. No news since then. Does anyone know what has happened in the interim?

NOKIA SIEMENS ANNOUNCE TINY 4G PHONE

SCMP MERGES WITH GOVERNMENT INFORMATION SERVICE : PART 298

(Above: Gratuitous gung-ho froth from SCMP, 18th June 2006, Front Page)

GOVERNMENT CHEMISTS REASSURE PUBLIC

(Adapted from Private Eye)

SCMP SACKOMETER

Our new weekly list of suggested sackings to aid an ailing newspaper. Yet another NTSCMP fair dealing service to the community.

No 1 : Week ending 17th June 2006

1. Ben Kwok
2. Edwin Ma
3. Kevin Sinclair
4. Alex Lo
5. Andrew Sun
6. Mark Clifford
7. Jake Van Der Kamp
8. Mary Ann Benitez
9. C.K. Lau
10. Albert Cheng

Bubbling under...so many others..byeeeee !!!!!!

(P.S. Can someone tell silly Executive Editor C.K Lau that La Rochefoucauld was not a 15th-Century writer, as he claims in his column of the 17th June 2006, but lived from 1613 to 1680.)

HAWKING'S SOCIAL OUTREACH

END OF AN ERA

DESPERATE BARRISTERS

This week : John McNamara

A lawyer representing barrister Kevin Egan has warned that there could be a public outcry if his client is given an immediate jail sentence. The lawyer, John McNamara, was speaking in mitigation for Mr Egan, who could be jailed for disclosing to the media the identity of a witness in the ICAC's protection programme. Judge Barnabas Fung is expected to pass sentence tomorrow.

(Source: RTHK)