WALLY WILDE
The Mortlake Gazette's Asia correspondent reports
SATELLITE PHOTO REVEALS REAL SOURCE OF HK'S AIR POLLUTION
"LAMMIES TO BLAME" SAY ENVIRONMENTALISTS
Wally Wilde writes : A government task force, set up to tackle Hong Kong's high levels of air pollution, has shown that media reports linking the problem to factories in the Pearl River Delta are untrue. Relying on satellite photographs obtained from China's National Space Administration, the task force found that the constant pall of haze blanketing the SAR in fact emanates from Lamma Island. An Information Services Department spokesman told NTSCMP yesterday that press reports blaming the pollution on South China's booming industrial region were probably floated by "dark forces with an anti-China agenda". "Lamma's population of slackers and cannabis smokers are noted for their liberal bias," he said. "It's high time [sic] we cracked down on these hooligans who have been slandering the Motherland in order to cover up their own anti-social conduct."
HUMOUR SURVIVES EVEN AT THE POST
( Staff member Wally Wilde captured the 27.10.2004 print edition.)
STRANGE BUT TRUE
WALLY WILDE WRITES: Normally when organisations hold promotional competitions there is a rule that workers and associates (and relatives of the same) of the company are not eligible to enter the competition, not that anything dishonest might happen, it's just that it doesn't look good if the boss's wife's mother wins the toaster oven or holiday for two to Ibiza. The SCMP and RTHK have enjoyed a close relationship over many years, collaborating on various projects, including Operation Santa Claus, the annual SCMP/RTHK Short Story Competition, frequent interviews of each other's editorial staff, etc. It therefore came as some surprise to read, on the front page of today's Technology Post (5.10.2004), that the SCMP's competition to win a top-of-the-line Samsung notebook computer was won, from among 1,100 entrants, by a Mr Theo Shum -- who just happens to be a producer at RTHK. This obviously places honest people like Mr Shum in an embarrassing situation and the SCMP might have to look carefully at its competition rules in future.
HK INTERNATIONAL JOURNALISTS SAY : FOK OFF!
Wally Wilde writes: In a recent mailing, the Hong Kong Journalists' Association reminds members that there are two candidates standing for election to represent the journalists' functional constituency in Legco: Timothy Fok and Andrew Lam. It appends their platform statements and a selection slip for return to the Association's chair. The reverse of the form promotes a seminar: "Ethnic Minority Issues -- How to Report Them Right?" (sic). "The government is drafting an anti-racial discrimination legislation and is expected to introduce it to the Legco in the coming legislative session", it says. Mr Lam's platform statement is bilingual - Chinese and English. Mr Fok's is accompanied by a note stating: "English version not provided by the candidate." No prizes for guessing which candidate gwailo journos will be voting for, then.
COURT CIRCULAR
BRITS ABROAD
CARNAGE IN QUARRY BAY
Editorial indifference leaves real professionals weeping
By Wally Wilde
As if any further evidence were needed of the South China Morning Post's decline from its former glory as "one of the world's great newspapers", it has now abandoned all pretence of being a quality publication or anything other than a money-grubbing rag.
Quite recently the editorial staff have adopted a policy of calculated neglect that has wrought almost as much havoc and disharmony, in typographic terms, as the coalition forces in Iraq have done in human terms.
I'm talking about widows and orphans.
No, I'm not referring to bereaved dependants. In the world of publishing, a "widow" is a single word or line of type that ends a paragraph, but is carried over to the top of the next page or column. An "orphan" is a single word or line of type that begins a new paragraph at the bottom of a column or page.
To editors of quality publications, widows and orphans are anathema. One typographer's guide calls them "one of publishing's unfortunate calamities" and goes on to say: "For just as we are touched by the sight of widows and orphans in life, so too do they bring tears to the eyes of typographers when encountered in page layout."
In the SCMP's edition of Wednesday, April 21, 2004, we counted no fewer than three orphans on the front page alone.
Another typographic guide states that there is nowadays no excuse for widows and orphans appearing on a page: "Fortunately, word processing and page layout programs have made it very easy to control line orphans." So one is left to wonder what possible explanation the SCMP's editorial staff might offer for such shoddy workmanship.
Allow me to speculate: Could it be that they are a bunch of incompetent and unprofessional twerps who just don't give a damn, once they've pocketed your HK$7.00?
OUR FRIENDS IN THE N.E.
WALLY WILDE writes:
The above shows an actual sign in Japanese metro trains. It is intended to mean:
"Priority seats for... (from left to right):
1. a person with an injured arm;
2. a person holding a child;
3. a pregnant woman, and
4. a person with an injured leg."
Not at all what you probably thought!
More Post Awards
And the Spring 2004
NTSCMP Award for the Worst Taste in News Story Headlines goes to... the South
China Morning Post.
On Page A7 of its March 22 edition, in the Around The
Nation section was the following brief:
"GUANGDONG--The provincial
government will spend 6.5 million yuan each year for the next decade on TB
treatment, says the Information Times."
And the winning headline to this
story?
"Provincial officials to cough up millions in TB
treatment".
Boom Bhumibol!
Postwatch
When the News is Not News
In a transparent move to keep democracy activists from celebrating the first anniversary of the 2003 demonstration by half a million Hong Kong people, someone (nobody admits to knowing who) has blocked access to Victoria Park on July 1 this year by booking all six soccer pitches. [South China Morning Post, Tuesday February 24, 2004.] The person who accepted the booking has resigned, we are told, and it seems no one has any record of its details.
In any free society, such shenanigans would be considered an outrage and splashed across the front page of every newspaper. But where does the Post bury the news? Half-way down page 2, beneath a story about the Closer Economic Partnership Arrangement [yawn]. The front-page lead is reserved for a second-rate report about plans to reduce air pollution that bears every hallmark of being a hurriedly thrown together replacement for the real big story.
Though occupying only 12 column inches (excluding headline) the front-page piece purports to have required the efforts of two journalists—Cheung Chi-fai and Quinton Chan—to compile. I say "compile" because there is little in it that is really news. Every reported fact about the clean-up plan is already a matter of public record.
The only new material comes from an alleged interview with environment minister Sarah Liao. Oddly, the interview seems to have yielded only one direct quotation: "Some of the small power plants that were previously shut down have been reopened as Guangdong suffers from a power shortage."
Wow! Stop the presses!
A clue to what has happened is provided by the clumsy footnote to the story: "This is the second of a three-part series in which Sarah Liao discusses environmental issues." But wait… wasn’t it by Messrs. Cheung and Chan?
It could hardly be more obvious that this was originally written as an op-ed piece but re-framed at the last minute as a news story to fill the gap when the embarrassing scoop was pulled from the front page.
Another clue can be found in the nonsensical sentence: "Last year the number of days when ‘very high’ ambient pollution levels were recorded leapt to 602 hours from 262 hours in 2002." The poor sub-editors must have been so pushed for time that they missed that glaring boo boo in their haste to get the paper out.
Once again, the Post shows how deeply runs its commitment to revealing the truth.
Tales from a World City
No. 1 — No shit, Sherlock
Have you ever wondered why New Territories villagers all look so sullen? I’ll tell you: they’re all chronically constipated...
Many NT land-owners have taken advantage of the small house policy to build and fit out new houses specifically as rental properties. As a new tenant of one such house, I soon discovered that my water bills were much higher than they had been when I lived in a Kowloon flat. Following my complaint to the Water Supplies Department, it sent a man to investigate.
I was informed in short order that the reason my bill was so high was that the village I lived in had no supply of flushing water and the toilets in the house had been illegally connected by my landlord to the drinking water supply. "This is illegal," the man said, feigning severe disapproval. He summarily severed my supply and served me notice, warning that if I dared to reconnect, I would face prosecution.
In the rather heated discussion with my landlord that ensued, it was made clear to me that this was not his fault. The situation prevails throughout the New Territories. Our government, which fails to supply flushing water, usually just pretends not to know what is going on. It is only when some naïve twit like myself complains about his water bill that action is threatened, if not actually taken.
Shortly after our discussion, my landlord reconnected the water supply and I now somewhat less reluctantly pay my inflated water bills, aware that the alternative of schlepping buckets of shit is far less pleasant to contemplate. Not that there’s anywhere I could legally dispose of it, anyway. Not only does the government not provide flushing water, it also fails to provide any facility for the disposal of so-called nightsoil. For some strange reason, it appears to assume that if you live in an NT village, you never need to take a crap, or, if you do, that you will either take a trip downtown to do it, or else store it under the bed
Progress comes to Lantau
Why all the fuss about the planned Lantau super-prison? It can only be a welcome addition to the existing attractions of the island: the Big Buddha; Disney World; the Golden Gate copy bridge; the Discovery Bay expat zoo; the Silvermine Bay Hotel; the Rome Restaurant… Without these, the island is little more than a haven for hippies, impoverished retirees and deviants.
And all that undeveloped land; what a waste of space—forests and fields swarming with nasty bugs and snakes, that’s all. They got rid of the cows that used to shit all over the place and wander onto the roads, so why not wipe out all the so-called "wildlife". Vermin, I say, that’s what it really is.
I mean, it’s progress, isn’t it? The super-prison will bring employment to Lantau, as the local toh dei (village triad thugs) gear up their operations to include smuggling drugs and weapons to the inmates, and the screws will all be down in the bars and restaurants pissing it up after their shift….
Er, will this do, Ambrose?
Dickwatch
"Whether the detection rate is high or low does not necessarily reflect the level of effectiveness of our law enforcement." -- Commissioner of Police Lee Ming Kwai (SCMP, 16.01.04)
This man has earned the Chief Executive's Commendation (equivalent to an endorsement by Cheech & Chong, surely? --Ed), along with an impressive rainbow of medal ribbons, so we should not dismiss such seeming inanity as the raving of an idiot. Far from it. This is the work of a true master of spin. He should be working for George Bush, in Iraq.
"Speaking to reporters last week, Bush made the bizarre argument that the worse things get in Iraq, the better news it is. 'The more successful we are on the ground, the more these killers will react,' he said." (Sydney Morning Herald, 03.11.2003)
I mean, come on, think about it. What does a 16.5 per cent rise in crime reflect? Give up? Well, I'll tell you: it reflects the level of effectiveness of criminal enterprise. And that is an entirely different thing.
Commissioner Dick blames it all on those dumb mainland tourists who wander about slack-jawed, gaping at Hong Kong's stunning architecture and wondering how come the air down here is so clean, with wads of cash bursting from their fat wallets. Easy meat for local pickpockets and con-men struggling to recover from hard times. But if they choose to give it all away, we can't blame the cops, now, can we?
So just what then, we must ask, truly reflects the effectiveness of law enforcement? Ah, I know... the maximum volume at which a police command vehicle's PA system can play Beethoven!
Mr Tung, another medal for that Dick, please!
An NTSCMP exclusive by roving drunk Wally Wilde
Yuen Long Croc Surrenders
Following months of futile attempts to capture the elusive crocodile of Yuen Long, he finally gave himself up late yesterday afternoon to the Chief Executive.
The failed quest to bring the reptile to justice had involved an assortment of inept bunglers including both the Police and Agriculture & Fisheries Departments, an Australian so-called expert, and a posse of genetically modified sewage-immune "crocodile handlers" specially recruited from the mainland.
Most recently the government had said that, if all else failed, the animal might have to be shot. But the saga ended happily for all concerned on the first day of the new year when it was officially announced that an agreement had been negotiated with the crocodile and he would surrender to the Chief Executive in person.
After a ceremony in which the crocodile had his teeth removed, he held a brief press conference. Asked why he had held out for so long, he replied: "Well, when I first heard that Mr Tung wanted me to join his government, I was afraid that my fellow reptiles would hold me in contempt and ostracise me, so initially I declined and went into hiding. But, hey, who wants to be shot? If you can't bite 'em, join 'em!"
Mr Tung added: "We have today negated the danger to the lives of Hong Kong citizens posed by this potentially dangerous beast. The successful conclusion to these protracted and difficult negotiations clearly demonstrates the commitment of my administration to preserving public confidence in the viability of unrepresentative government and will further contribute to the continuing stability and prosperity... blah blah blah..."
After a majority of those present had fallen asleep, the Chief Executive went on to announce that the croc—henceforth to be known as "Mr Kuok" [How apt! — Ed.]—would not join his cabinet, but would be made an assistant commissioner of police.
The NTSCMP's political correspondent challenged Tung, saying: "That's not a real crocodile, it's just some daft twat in a suit, pretending to be what he's not."
Putting his arm protectively around Mr Kuok's shoulders, Tung responded: "He's in good company now."
A seasonal goodwill message from Wally Wilde
Winter got you down?
It’s official:
winter has finally arrived. Everywhere you go now, the air is filled with that
Hong Kong seasonal odour that is a blend of mothballs, mildew, Pak Fa Yeow and
unwashed hair. As soon as the temperature drops below 20°, the woollies, furs
and boots come out of the trunk and the news media become obsessed with the
latest thing in viral mutation.
After nearly 40 years in this place (I’ve never had a salary sufficient to pay the rent, educate my kids, eat and save enough to get my family out of here with all our worldly goods intact—editor please note), I still can’t understand what it is about Hong Kong folk and ambient temperatures. In summer [He means the rainy season—Ed], when outdoor thermometer readings can hit 35°, air-conditioners are set to 18° and people go about indoors wearing sweaters and jackets.
Now that the external temperature has dropped to 18°, the air-conditioning has assumed its winter setting of 28° and suddenly—Aloha!—inside the office it’s Hawaiian shirts and sleeveless blouses. Can it really be true, as a cynical gin-soaked "old hand" instructed the bright-eyed boy that I was, soon after my arrival, that "Hongkongers do everything backwards"? Another thing he told me has proved to be true enough: "After 20 years or so, my lad, you’ll be just as bitter and twisted as I am."
As if I needed confirmation, I got it last evening while doing a little "xmas Shopping", as the sign over the entrance to one emporium so succinctly put it. Stepping off the bottom of an escalator in the mall, I was accosted by a spotty youth in a Santa suit and cotton beard who, lurching away from the wall he had been supporting, thrust into my hand a promotional flyer decorated with snowmen, reindeer and holly, written entirely in Chinese.
"Piss off," I blurted, thrusting it back at him and pointing to my big nose and round eyes. "Do I look like someone who can read that, or cares?"
Oh, yes—it’s that time of year again.
[Wally has revealed to NTSCMP that he suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder—a depressive illness brought about by seasonal environmental changes. He is doubly unfortunate in that the illness manifests both in winter and in the rainy season. As he has explained, his resources are limited and he has not been able to afford the therapy that he needs to remedy his condition. It being the season of goodwill to all men, appreciative readers may wish to make a charitable contribution to aid Wally. Bottles should be packed in bubble-wrap and delivered before 23 December. Brandy, whisky or an earnest Bordeaux are all acceptable.]
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