QQ AT LARGE
EDITORIAL
Learn how to edit
with QQ
Lesson 374 - let's precis Donald Tsang's comments
in
Legco on June 24, 2004
BEFORE...
"Even though the government has
tried to improve its
governance, there is still a body of opinion
that
considers the progress made is not
significant
enough."
AFTER...
"We're still
crap."
WIT AND WISDOM OF RONNIE CHAN
The Wit and Wisdom of property tycoon Ronnie Chan, Hong Kong’s favourite US passport-holding, ex-Enron director. Part 1
“I detest such innuendo; it is an insult to my moral character,”
“I support Beijing’s position because it is legal, rational and sensible.”
“…I stand on the side of law and reason…”
Source: Letter to the SCMP in response to Jake van der Kamp’s disgraceful suggestion that Ronnie’s support for Beijing on political reform might be influenced by his large property developments in Shanghai, May 2004
********
The Wit and Wisdom of idiotic property tycoon Ronnie Chan, Hong Kong’s favourite US passport-holding, ex-Enron director. Part 2
“Despite what people might think about Hong Kong’s education level, the average education is about high school or not quite even that. With that many uneducated people, social welfare will become the norm and that is not good for Hong Kong.”
“The Hong Kong government civil service for 150 years has been conditioned to, at best, ignore and, at worst, despise Beijing. Hong Kong is now part of China, so the civil service has to recognize this and get with the program.”
“Hong Kong has a huge anti-government force, and there is undesirable and rampant outside influence.”
“Nothing major needs to be changed. Structurally speaking, the status quo is the best way to go.”
Source: Speech at AmCham on political reform in HK, April 2004
********
The Wit and Wisdom of moronic property tycoon Ronnie Chan, Hong Kong’s favourite US passport-holding, ex-Enron director. Part 3
“China today – it’s more market oriented than 90% of all of Western Europe. I don’t know if you know this but the public sector in China as a percentage of total GDP – that for China is smaller than all but two western European countries. The two being Switzerland and Britain. Apart from that, China is actually today more market-oriented than France, Germany, Belgium, you name it.”
“Americans complain that in Thailand, Philippines, you buy votes. I say that’s not bad. That’s corruption, but at least it’s transparent and fair. Everybody pays 100 bahts, you get one vote. You make sure the guy doesn’t sell his vote twice, that’s all.”
Source: Speech to Asia Society, Seattle, 1998
********
The Wit and Wisdom of cretinous property tycoon Ronnie Chan, Hong Kong’s favourite US passport-holding, ex-Enron director. Part 4
“The good thing about Confucianism is it makes Asian people willing to suffer pain…”
Source: Interview in FinanceAsia magazine, 2002
********
The Wit and Wisdom of Kenneth L. Lay, former chairman and CEO, Enron
“Enron stands to benefit significantly from Ronnie Chan's presence on the board of directors. Mr. Chan's insight into the securities and financial markets and his reputation as an international business leader with vast experience in Asian markets provide a strategic fit with Enron's worldwide business activities.”
Press announcement, 1996
WEEKEND COMPETITION
by QQ
Win a Civil Service Job!!!
A Life of Riches!!! Early Retirement on 90% of final salary!!!! Park your car on pavements!!! Free overseas schooling, so your kids avoid HK’s atrocious education system!!!!
Just answer this simple question:
As the budget approaches, the Financial Secretary wants a snappy name for his planned $250mn fund to promote Hong Kong’s creative industries. Do you advise him to call it:
a) Something that reflects well on Hong Kong’s creative flair and branding ability.
b) “DesignSmart”.
POLITICAL LATEST
HK Patriotism Contest - the Final Showdown
Tsang Hin-chee (Hong Kong, China) vs An Min (China
Tsang: Martin Lee's a bad
guy
An: Martin Lee's a very bad
guy
Tsang: Martin Lee's a really really
really bad guy
An: He's a clown! A
dreamer!
Tsang: He is badmouthing Hong Kong
in the US. He is simply a traitor
An: What kind of a person is Martin
Lee? Like his father, he is
anti-communist. How can treachery be considered good for Hong
Kong?
Tsang: Even the word traitor is not
enough to describe him. In fact he isn't qualified to be a Chinese person. He is
so wicked that no words can describe him
An: You are invading my human
rights now. I don't even have space to breathe now. This is Beijing. What are
you doing? Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Don't blindly ask questions. You
don't even bother with a traitor but keep questioning
me
Tsang: (turning bright purple,
banging head on table) He’s a slimy evil toadsucker who will be cursed for a
million generations
An: (eyes bulging, striking
own head with hammer and sickle) He’s a pus-sucking, butt-fu**ing loser – a
bucket full of festering syphilitic vomit
Tsang: (head
explodes)
An: (spontaneously combusts)
Next week: Armed nude mud-wrestling finals - CY Leung vs Emily Lau
THE SPIKE THAT CAN'T SKEWER
by QQ
NTSCMP readers will have enjoyed extra helpings of witty photo montages recently, thanks to the hiring of new talent in the form of Hugh Janus. A good thing for fans of this art form, because the only other Hong Kong source of such visual humour - the cover of Spike magazine - is becoming less funny by the week. Sadly for people searching for laughs, Spike is no better inside.
The unfunny Dear Regina column has gone, to be replaced by a more factual column on health, leaving four pages of attempted humour/satire, comprising an editorial, a cartoon strip, a double page spread of spoof news stories and other tidbits, and the one-page Betty's Diary. Apart from a mildly amusing TV listing, none of it comes close to skewering or offending anyone - and that's what QQ calls satire.
So Spike is useless? Not at all. To QQ, the other 30 or so pages represent a good read. Plenty of serious and original political and business commentary, columns on food, media, entertainment and travel, and rehashed but worthwhile articles from Next and the Spectator. What an irony! The satire - supposedly the whole point (ha ha) of Spike - is non-existent. But it's worth HK$25 for the intentionally non-funny content, much of which puts most SCMP and HK Standard output in the shade.
The moral of the tale, as NTSCMP has pointed out before, is that English satire and profit-making don't go together in Hong Kong. The market is too small and the clout of thin-skinned politicians and tycoons is simply too great (or overly feared). Spike the satirical magazine is a testament to self-censorship; savagery is conspicuous by its absence. Spike the magazine for gwailos interested in the place they live in is doing a fair job. QQ's advice to them: replace the feeble humour pages with advertising, and hope the SCMP and HK Standard don't suddenly start publishing decent columns.
(QQ is the founder and CEO of Backhanded Compliments 'R' Us)
Reports from Dreamland II
Tung in Cultural Hub U-Turn Shock
In a stunning development, Hong Kong Chief
Executive Tung Chee-hwa has announced the abandonment of plans to turn the
Southwest Kowloon reclamation into a massive 'cultural hub'. "After giving the matter much
consideration," Mr Tung told a press conference today, "I have concluded that it
is unrealistic to expect commercial property developers to create a place in
which culture can flower. In my
experience, they would simply build loads of shopping malls and luxury
residential towers that block everyone's view, and then chuck in a few theatres
and museums, even though we don't have anything to put in our existing
ones."
After several members of the press
who had fainted were taken away in ambulances, Mr Tung unveiled a new approach
to the reclamation. "Culture is
about people, not concrete," he said.
"We have therefore decided to use this large and precious piece of open
space to benefit its rightful owners, the people of Hong Kong. We will turn it into a park, with trees,
seating, picnic areas, children's recreation grounds and venues for amateur
performers and artists."
Mr Tung admitted that he regretted
coming up with the original plan.
"It was a stupid idea," he said. "I really don't know what came over
me."
QQ Reports from Dreamland
Government puts community before interest groups in hygiene policy shock
Editor's Note: In the above archive pic by our
own Wally Wilde, WW has pointed out that not many people bother to look at the
eye of the chicken to discover Colonel Sanders. Drat.
The Hong Kong government has vowed to get tough with the threat of avian flu, declaring that the sale of live poultry in urban areas is finally to be banned. “This is a no-brainer,” said chief secretary Donald Tsang at a press conference yesterday.“ Obviously, the interests of 7 million citizens outweigh those of a few hundred market stall owners. Bird flu kills humans. Only a government that is grossly negligent or totally impotent would allow chickens to be slaughtered in the streets of residential neighbourhoods. Tsang dismissed claims that the move would increase unemployment, saying that the creation of a centralised poultry slaughterhouse would create an equal amount of work. “And, of course, we will give existing stall holders an idiotic amount of compensation to shut them up,” he said. Responding to the suggestion that pre-killed, chilled chicken tastes inferior, Tsang snapped back, “We’re talking about saving human lives, you moron.”
'We can't handle HK'
admits Beijing
China asks Brits back in shock start to Year of the
Monkey
by QQ in Beijing
In a stunning admission, Chinese president Hu Jintao announced today that previous Chinese governments had been mistaken to demand the return of Hong Kong in 1997.
"The British made it look so easy," the president told reporters at a Lunar New Year press gathering, "but we have found that it is quite difficult to govern a free, pluralistic society with rule of law. We should accept that we are not yet mature enough to so. For this reason we have decided to ask the UK to resume control of the territory and let these Cantonese have their stupid democracy."
The fundamental problem, the president explained, lay in the conflicting traditions of China and the West. "In our system," he said, accepting his sixth glass of maotai, "the people serve the government. With them, it's all the other way around. It's very confusing and very challenging for us, and I've decided it's just not worth the bother."
The British under-secretary of state for foreign affairs with special responsibility for Tartary, Sir Nigel Harrumph, expressed surprise at the news. "Frankly we rather though we'd seen the back of the place in '97," he said. "I suppose we could just let Anson Chan run it. Is that Martin Lee still around? Crushing bore. The Chinese would have to take him with them. More brandy?"
Senior Government Officials’ Aptitude Test
Problem # 494: Harbour or cars?
PART A
Choose one of the two following HK$15 billion options:
1. A harbour with clean water and air, accessible to the public; a reduction in road congestion; a new source of public revenues.
2. A sewage-filled harbour, with a six-lane freeway running alongside it; an increase in traffic.
Points to bear in mind as you make this difficult decision:
- The six-lane freeway is intended to enable private cars to get between Central and East Island in 20 minutes, instead of the 45 minutes it will take at peak time owing to their rising numbers
- Only 7% of people travel in private cars
- The route is well-served by MTR/buses
PART B
1. Write a condescending response in 200 words or less to this silly gwailo’s impertinent suggestions about use of the harbour. (Scroll down to ‘Sewage and the Central-Wanchai bypass’.)
2. After reading these ramblings of a deranged small businessman, propose five awkward and unreasonable food and hygiene regulations that will drive sandwich sellers out of business.
Spike ‘already annoying influential people’ claim
Never has such a stupid religion produced such a good newspaper.
That was always QQ’s opinion of the Christian Science Monitor, which provides probably the best overseas coverage of any daily in the US. And this probably remains the case. How many American papers would run a story on Hong Kong’s Spike magazine?
It quotes Spike editor Stephen Vines as saying…
"The only way to preserve free expression is to test it on its margins, [while Chinese- language media are developing political humor, there isn't much happening in English.] At Spike, we plan to carry on annoying influential people…"
Which influential people has Spike annoyed so far? We’re not told.Not Tung Chee-hwa, whose rhinoceros hide is impervious to criticism of any sort. Not Regina Ip (assuming she still counts as influential), whose cold, steely heart would surely pity whoever produces the feeble attempt at satire that is her Spike agony column.
On the other hand, Betty Tung (assuming her influence extends beyond aircraft seat allocation) probably is deeply hurt by her Spike diary. Not because it’s offensive or even funny, but because it insults her (and all readers) by parodying a stereotype rather than the lady herself.
Anyone who knows anything about Betty and the circles she moves in will totally fail to recognize her in this sorry attempt at satire. If QQ were Betty, that would annoy him.
by QQ
The annual NTSCMP Bore Awards got off to a slow start at City Hall last night as civil servants made everyone – even QQ – sign statements promising not to discuss persecution of the Falun Gong in the Mainland. Finally, after a three-hour delay, the sackcloth-clad special guest, St Nury of Vittachi, walked onto the stage accompanied by a flock of adoring, small woodland creatures.
A hail of tomatoes greeted the noted humorist as he somberly asked the impatient audience to spare a thought during the evening’s fun for the less fortunate in the world. A collection then took place for his favourite cause: a shelter in Kowloon for young single mothers, Knocked-up Schoolgirl’s Choice.
The cascade of rotten fruit died down as Nury announced the shortlisted candidates for the highly-prized Most Tedious Newspaper award. Despite extremely stiff competition from Ta Kung Pao, the judges had no hesitation in awarding the title to the South China Morning Post for its painful and lengthy daily coverage of obscure Mainland affairs. Said the judges in their citation, "no-one can possibly want such excruciating detail about people and places of which we know or care so little." Accepting the prize on behalf of the SCMP, editor-in-chief David Armstrong lavished praise on SCMP Mainland desk for its dedication to "crowding out items of interest from the newspaper, such as human rights in Chi…"
As Armstrong was dragged away by officials from the HK Home Affairs Dept, former Secretary for Security Regina Ip took the stage, wearing extremely tight leather pants and a lime green see-through blouse that nicely set off her orange lip gloss, to present the Shoeshining Achievement of the Year award. Breathlessly tearing open the envelope, Ms Ip excitedly announced that the winner was none other than the SCMP, for its plethora of nauseating souvenir covers celebrating China’s first manned space shot. "This was a big year for brown-nosing," noted the judges. "Despite competition from legions of sycophants attracted by Article 23, CEPA and Premier Wen’s visit, none could surpass the SCMP’s shameless and embarrassing kowtowing."
While hungry guests stampeded the buffet table and gorged themselves on sun-dried tomatoes and avocado ice cream, Mr Alan "Socks" Zeman took the stage to announce the winner of the Outstanding Contribution to Cuisine award. "A number of overpriced, pretentious and plain irritating eating establishments in Soho, Lan Kwai Fong and elsewhere shut down earlier this year," he explained, "and it is important to pay tribute to the individual responsible. It therefore gives me great pleasure," he announced, pulling a face mask from his pocket, "to present this award to the SARS virus, for its highly effective quality control work earlier in the year, for which Hong Kong’s diners are truly grateful."
Mr Zeman then moved on to the announcement of the Most Idiotic Public Figure. The strong competition for this title could be gauged from the fact that he spent half an hour reading out the shortlist, which ranged from Mike "Harbour Fest" Rowse to former Financial Secretary Anthony Leung. The audience burst into rapturous applause as he opened the envelope and announced that the winner was none other than Tung Chee-hwa. "Few people during the year managed to be so consistently foolish," said the judges. "In every area of activity – policy choice, political strategy, personnel matters, even simple pronouncements – he was purely and simply stupid, each and every time. A stunning achievement."
The audience buzzed with excitement as chief secretary Donald Tsang took the stage completely naked except for a large flashing and spinning bow tie to announce the winner of the Least Profound Public Policy Proposal. Several ideas for policies stood out during the year, said Mr Tsang, mentioning various proposals for subsidizing plastic flower factories, building pointless infrastructure and turning parks into roads to relieve traffic congestion. Calmly opening the envelope, Mr Tsang broke into a smile as he announced that the winner was James Tien, for his suggestion that the government reduce taxes on luxury cars, to encourage their purchase and boost Hong Kong’s prosperous image. "Such a childish attempt at fiscal policy," noted the judges, "brought howls of mirth to normally glum government economists."
Dr George Adams, founder of NTSCMP in 1903, announced that a new category was being introduced this year in recognition of the fact that the rest of Hong Kong had caught up and started publishing on-line. The competition for Hong Kong’s Most Unreadable Blog was extremely fierce, he reported, and several judges had mutinied and refused to read them. He listed the leading contenders. gekkeaNNa, for being unable to spell or punctuate. The Mourning After, for updating only every four months. And byoi, for posting what appears to be homework by someone attending creative writing classes. "The winner, by a narrow margin," intoned the doctor, "is Big White Guy, for cutting and pasting every SCMP story on outbreaks of illness, and for telling readers all about the perfume he bought his wife Mabel."
At this point of the proceedings, the auditorium was invaded by hoards of members of the Falun Gong, led by "Long Hair" Leung Kwok-hung, demanding that the authorities release David Armstrong. In order to speed things up, NTSCMP assistant deputy editor (vice) QQ himself took the stage to announce the remaining winners.
There was no shortage of nominations for Best Bore-Watching Location, he said, including Lan Kwai Fong, Lane Crawford, the Foreign Correspondents Club, Legco, the Cultural Centre and the airport arrivals hall. The winner, however, proved to be a place in cyberspace. IceRed.com attracted bores of all shades from Hong Kong and around the world. "Indeed," said the judges, "it sometimes feels as if every bore on the planet has turned up at the same time. Even allowing for the use of multiple nicknames by many individuals, it is truly frightening just how many terminally monotonous people spend time on this website."
As security guards beat back hordes of screaming teenage girls demanding his ICQ address, QQ announced that the Best Reason Not To Watch TV award had gone once again to Lydia Sum Fei-fei. The loud and wearisome Fei-fei had won, he said, for endorsing three different products during just one commercial break in the midst of a variety show of which she was the host. "Someone is cloning this fat old tart," said the judges, "and they should be shot."
As if on cue, City Hall was at this point cleared by armed police.
QQ RELEASED EARLY FOR GOOD BEHAVIOUR
Everyone is telling QQ how wonderful it is to see him back and
asking where he has been for the last three years. Let's just say a Hong Kong
Correctional Services Department haircut suits him and he intends to keep it. It
is not as if he is alone in having been kept out of circulation. Dr George Adams
ended the first editorial meeting of NTSCMP 2 by proudly displaying his
straitjacket, which they let him keep as a souvenir.
What has changed in our absence? The SCMP doesn't look much different. There are rumours that the Sunday edition will be closed down, though they seem rather vague. What's more certain is that few would notice. David Armstrong is back. Last time, he axed cartoonist Larry Feign after noticing that The World of Lily Wong was not only outdated, cliché-ridden and unfunny, but was costing the paper 70 times as much as Doonesbury. The iMail has been re-re-named The Standard and given a business slant. Obviously, no-one buys it, but it seems harmless. The Far Eastern Economic Review has become so anorexic in both quantity and quality it's almost pointless. It used to take days (and gallons of gin and tonic) to plough through its five-page features on government reshuffles in Laos and intelligent book reviews. Now, the only echo of its past glory is its continued use of British spelling, which must drive the anal Dow Jones stylemasters nuts. The Financial Times has launched an Asian edition, keeping the all-important crossword, but ditching the EU adulation that insults the intelligence of its UK readers. It seems to scoop the SCMP on Hong Kong news from time to time without much effort. The Asia Wall Street Journal hasn't changed much, the average issue taking around 30 seconds to get through. The neo-conservative comment at the back seems to be lapsing into self-parody.
What's new? QQ has been looking through Spike magazine with interest. Everyone is saying it won't last long, and everyone is almost certainly right. It would be better if its supposedly satirical content measured up to the standards of the original Not The South China Morning Post. It has stolen the recipe but left out all the best ingredients, like venom, wit and heartless sarcasm - the lowest form of humour, and the best. QQ has also been reading some blogs - on-line diaries kept by nonentities who have nothing to say and couldn't write it if they did. Some are so bad, QQ is in danger of becoming addicted.
Onto this dismal media scene bursts NTSCMP for a second time. Cue fanfare. Buckle up tight. Women and children please look the other way. This isn't going to be pretty.